


The Stars Seldom Speak

by shinealightrose



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Angst, F/M, Fame, M/M, Secret Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-19
Updated: 2016-03-26
Packaged: 2018-04-21 11:41:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 36,514
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4827860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinealightrose/pseuds/shinealightrose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minseok has it made: a burgeoning career in stardom, a lover, an endless sea of opportunities. It's not possible to lose it all in one night... Or, maybe it is.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: Sexual situations, institutionalized homophobia, a lot of angst, bad relationships, ships are consecutive (no cheating), time jumps, just a hint of something related to the following quote. 
> 
> “Stars are beautiful, but they may not take an active part in anything, they must just look on for ever. It is a punishment put on them for something they did so long ago that no star now knows what it was. So the older ones have become glassy-eyed and seldom speak (winking is the star language), but the little ones still wonder.”  
> ― J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

K-Stars Media Coverage:

_According to his agency representatives, it has been confirmed that rising star_ _actor Kim Minseok, 25, has been cast in producer Kibum’s upcoming film The Pearl alongside Beijing native and Chinese actor Lu Han, also 25. The movie, which begins filming next month, has already made headlines for the proposed homosexual character arc between Kim Minseok’s and Lu Han’s respective characters. The film boasts several big name actors from both countries [Read here for the full cast line-up] and made news just last week for its controversial casting of 23-year old idol and variety star actress Ahn Hani and idol-turned-actor Do Kyungsoo [Read here for netizens’ reactions]. The Pearl is expected to hit box offices across the continent in the early part of next year._

 

~

 

In the tinkling lights of the suave after party atmosphere, Minseok swirls his glass of wine, a placid smile fixed upon his lips. Beside him, his co-star Lu Han drains his glass, raised elbow resting on the back of the love seat from where he sits angled against the corner. Their legs have a tendency to bump against each other, polished shoes occasionally crossing before one or the other smirks and removes it. Their host tonight is a Korean gentleman who, together with his wife, loves to dabble in the arts, and the artists. 

"A toast! Everyone's attention, please! Let's have a toast to our stars!" Park Chanyeol's voice rings out loud and clear. "To Kim Minseok-ssi. And Mister Lu Han!" 

" _I hate when he calls me mister_ ," Lu Han whispers. Minseok suppresses a grin. 

"To our cast, support cast, our producer, uhm... Kibum." Chanyeol's champagne glass sloshes dangerously close to the unamused head of the film's head PD. "And uhm, Miss... Miss..." His face goes dumb as he strives in vain for the name that's already lost past the tip of his tongue. His wife, Dara, comes to the rescue. 

"Hani-ssi," she says with an overindulgent, fake expression of fondness. 

"Yes! ... Hani-ssi," Chanyeol boasts finally, triumphantly. "Thank you, darling," he tips his glass towards his wife instead.

" _Oh, he's a goner tonight,_ " Minseok whispers back, making Lu Han titter, when Chanyeol can't even look at the actress with the revealing open blouse.

Somewhere in the next few minutes, their host gets through all of the names of the people he'd like to toast, including every supporting actor and film crew member whose names he gives up trying to remember. Instead he reads them off the list his wife passes into his hand and continues on shamelessly to suppressed giggles and sighs. By the time he finishes both Minseok and Lu Han have politely sipped their wine, only dark reddish glows along the bottom of the glasses and their relaxed minds leaving testimony to their intake. A waiter discretely gifts them with new glasses as they sit back and largely watch as the film cast and crew mingle and celebrate. 

It's a relief really, the whole thing being over.  _The Pearl_  was a hit, by almost everyone's account. A thrilling story topped by the "the most unrequited homo-erotic love story ever produced in our nation's history as yet!" The eloquence of the non-subtle article text came courtesy of one of Asian entertainment's best known tabloid reporters, Byun Baekhyun. Minseok has met him once or twice, and wasn't terribly impressed. Lu Han had been a hair more amused by the celebrity writer though, especially when Baekhyun informed him, confidentially of course, that he and Minseok were quite The Item this year, and that they should play up their bromance before the public if they want to remain relevant. Something neither Lu Han nor Minseok have an actual problem with doing. Their relevance as actors is already rising, and their bromance is strong. 

It's easy this way, knowing they're allowed to touch each other, just slightly, in public. Pretending fake gestures towards one another to get tongues talking. Easy to pretend they mean everything to each other, when beneath the facade, it's really true. and Minseok loves every minute of it. If they hadn't been brought together for the film, probably they would never have been given the opportunity. Known to each other by name only, through mutual acquaintances, getting to know Lu Han on and off the camera was the highlight of Minseok's private and professional career. Everything culminating to where they are now, enjoying a drink, thought to be friends by the world at large, but really something more. 

"Should we sneak out early?" Lu Han leans closer, startling Minseok as he adjusts the bow tie on Minseok's collar which has turned askew.

"From our own party?" Minseok whispers back. He turns his head, his lips happening to graze the side of Lu Han's exposed neck, an accident of their position to be sure, though the barely contained shiver Lu Han exhibits is no accident. 

"Not ours. Everyone's. Why shouldn't we be able to leave?" Luhan suggests, his eyebrows arching suggestively.

"Hmm, maybe because it'll make people talk?"

Lu Han actually laughs, drawing away with his smile pulled wide. Admist the chatter of the room, no one is even looking in their direction, and if they did they'd only see two co-stars relaxing after a heavy day of premiere attendance and promotions. "Minseok, half the people in this room have already seen us making out with very little clothes on," he says quietly, eyes aglow and quite mischievous. 

"That was different," Minseok preens. 

"Was it?" 

"Of course it was. It wasn't  _us_  at all. Those were two other people, different characters." 

"Hmm, you're right. Our characters didn't work out in the end, but us..."

Minseok's throat begins to tighten when he follows Lu Han's gaze, eyes downcast just enough that he's staring at Minseok's mouth. "What about us?" he taunts softly. 

"Us?" Luhan flicks his eyes up once again and smiles sheepishly. "Us well, we make our own story. Tonight." 

Tonight. It's a promise. A promise Minseok doesn't want Lu Han to have to break. "Alright. Five minutes and we meet at the back entrance. You brought your own car didn't you?" 

Lu Han nods eagerly, promising. 

Twenty minutes later, because it always takes longer to sneak out in between co-stars and friends catching them to say goodbye, Minseok sneaks alone out of Chanyeol's lavish condo home, and boards the service elevator down to where Lu Han has texted he's already waiting. The door catches just before it can shut, and Minseok suppresses a sigh when he sees who it is. Instead, he plasters on a smile at the actress he had to kiss on screen: Hani, who is sweet and gorgeous and more flirty than Minseok really knows how to deal with.

"Oh! Minseok, it's you!" Her laugh is surprisingly pleasant, her company less so. Not when Minseok is planning a clandestine exit with his highly publicized co-star friend and secret boyfriend. Not when his head is already swimming with  _later later_ , the things he can do with Lu Han  _later_. 

"Hani," he says politely, punching the Basement level button after she sweeps into the space, mini-skirt floating delicately. "Going home already?"

"Well, since my two favorite men have already made themselves scarce." She stares across her face, flirting peripherally as her crossed arms press against her chest, accentuating the already tightly encased curves of her blouse. 

Minseok smiles, unsure how to handle this. Hani is a good girl, and he definitely likes her company, in the professional sector. It's not his fault, really, if she got to like him a little more during the course of their more highly charged and emotional movie scenes. Minseok was always going to like Lu Han's body more than hers. 

"Sorry," he tells her softly, because the more he thinks about it, the more she probably knows. 

Hani smirks, cutely, one eyebrow raised, confirming Minseok's thoughts. "For what?" There's an awkward pause while the cab jolts and starts to move, but then she laughs. "Long day, huh?"

"Yeah."

As the elevator descends, she engages him in small talk, assessing the rumors about Minseok's upcoming project - something only a few insiders like her know about - the movie Minseok hopes will make him a top star, solidifying his position in the acting community. It's only in the pre-pre-pre-production phase, but Minseok is excited, just knowing his name is being tossed around like it is, and Hani claps him on the back as they exit and says she hopes he gets it.

There's no Lu Han to be found when they step out into the underground garage, but there are a few fans with cameras who appear to have gotten past security, drawn by the allure of the stars attending the party above. Both of them freeze and hesitate, but then as one, they nod at each other and move out into the dim basement lighting, elbows touching but nothing more than that. Better if people speculate that they may be dating, even though this is nothing conclusive. It's better than if the public catches wind of the actual alternative: that Kim Minseok and Lu Han are gay. 

 

 

 

 

 

Heavy breathing, and the  _later_  is finally now. 

"Minseok... Min...seok..." Lu Han pants, "Hey... slow down. We have... all night."

Minseok gasps, mid-thrust, meanwhile Lu Han writhes against the sheets, back to the bed with Minseok hovering above him. His forearms pin him down, open, wet lips resting in the viscinity of Lu Han's neck, hands digging into the man's shoulders while his hips stagger and he forces himself to pause. "Sorry..." he whispers. "I'll try... I got carried away..." 

"S'ok," Lu Han reassures him, eyes still clenched shut, halfway blissful mouth, and his hands resting along the crest of Minseok's ass.

This time when he restarts, it's slower, more love-making than sex. Or at least that's how Minseok wants it to be. It's easy to get lost in the moment when he's with Lu Han, stealing time they don't have and always with the risk of danger. If they're caught, if they're ever too obvious, it'll all be over in a moment's notice. Gone are their careers, their public personas, their image, and it won't matter if people loved them together on the big screen, because off screen it's completely disallowed. The hypocrisy and irony tears constantly at him, until Minseok feels nothing except rage and confusion, wondering what is so wrong about this. What is so wrong about them, him and Lu Han, when they love each other so much. 

He comes with an anguished whisper, "Han... Lu Han... you... God, you're the best," as Lu Han too whines and comes between him, their hands wrapped together when Minseok finishes him off. He pulls out and flops to the side, sweat coating his skin. Lu Han whimpers, gasping breathlessly as he squirms, knees lifting into the air as his tests his range of movement - not much. Then he slides his legs back against the mattress gingerly, eyes clenched, and gives up moving completely. 

"You okay?" Minseok asks him.

Lu Han stutters a laugh. "Y-yeah. Damn, Seok, you're just... so... good." 

"That good, huh?" he huffs, smiling, but then cringing at the sound of his phone buzzing on the nearby bedside table. It's been going off for the past half hour and Minseok never bothered to actually check it, or turn it off. He was after all, a bit preoccupied.

Lu Han draws up the blanket, sighing into his pillow, searching for Minseok's hand and body warmth. Minseok, however, is already rolling away. "Where're you going?" Lu Han whines.

"I'll be back." He digs his heels into the carpet beside the bed, forces himself up so he can get the condom off and find something with which to clean up both himself and Lu Han, before his boyfriend gets too comfortable under the covers. He comes back seconds later, just as he promised, smiling when he catches Lu Han's returned grin. And still he ignores his phone when he climbs back in bed, sliding close to Lu Han's body and wrapping his arms around him, nuzzling his chin while pouring out phrase after phrase of cliche loving things, until the other is blushing and practically begging him to stop. 

They may not get that much time together when it's actually safe to sneak into Lu Han's apartment building and spend the night, but when they get the chance, Minseok likes to make the most of it.

"Are you going to check your phone ever?"

And questions like that tend to make Minseok groan. However, Lu Han has a point, and he probably needs to check it. He grabs his phone, slides the lock screen away and begins scrolling through the line of messages and missed calls. None are too important, just line after line from his manager asking where he is and to call him immediately. Minseok has learned not to get too alarmed whenever Junmyeon texts him like this. If it were anything truly serious, then Junmyeon wouldn't bother typing words that come out sounding vaguely annoyed; he would get right to the point and tell Minseok his life is over or something. 

"I'm going to call him back, just in case," he tells Lu Han, who hums and curls into his side, unmindful that Minseok is bringing the phone to his ear, Junmyeon's number already dialed and ringing.

His manager answers on the third ring, voice droll and tired. "Oh look, you called."

"What's up?" 

"Nothing. Just making sure you're alive and all that good stuff because I love you."

Minseok snorts amusedly. "Right. You love me. Great. Anything else I should know tonight?"

Junmyeon has just enough energy to laugh in return. "Hmm, like I said. Nothing really. I mean, I'm just your manager, and as your manager and agency rep, I've only been getting calls saying you were seen leaving a party with a co-star in tow."

Minseok stiffens before he remembers that Lu Han had already taken off before him, realizing of course that he shouldn't stay around, not with the fans who had somehow gathered. And that Minseok came out with Hani and said goodbye to her before they each left in separate vehicles, driving off in opposite directions. 

"You mean Hani?" he asks, glancing down at Lu Han who tweaks one eyebrow curiously. "You know I didn't leave with her."

"No, but the fans probably think you did," Junmyeon replies.

"And, so?" says Minseok. "They can think whatever they want. In the meantime, I'm kind of busy..." He trails off, already kind of chuckling because Lu Han is frowning comically at him. 

Junmyeon actually huffs over the phone, the kind of act that probably made his bangs fly up indignantly because he's spent seven years grooming Minseok to play the part of a top actor, and if Minseok lets him down now, he'll probably just come and murder him wherever he sleeps and cooly dump him in the Han River.

"Are you with..." Junmyeon doesn't say it, and Minseok doesn't have to answer beyond, "... yeah?"

"Fine," says his manager after a few seconds of deliberation which feel like much much longer. "But be careful. See you in the morning. 7:00 am sharp, and don't be late." 

 

 

 

 

 

His morning meeting goes extremely well, all the negotiations still moving forward in what Minseok hopes will end in his landing the role of a lifetime. He's twenty-six, he's already been to the army, but if he can't follow up  _The Pearl_ with something just as spectacular, he risks remaining a second-tier actor for life. That may be alright for some people, but Minseok hasn't worked his butt off for years just to play second or third lead drama roles waiting for netizens to grow sick of his face. Minseok is leading man material. He knows it, his manager his knows it. Audiences just need to know it, and be comfortable with that. Almost a decade of working for this moment in the spotlight just  _has_  to pay off; Minseok deserves it.

If someone looks back far enough into his repertoire, they'll find him as a chubby faced toddler where his only skill set was looking cute and pouty. Minseok doesn't really remember that far back, but as he grew older he remembered the excitement of sitting around and having people fuss over his clothes. His father worked on movie sound tracks, his mother was a coordi before she retired to focus on raising him. Neither one of them would let his entire childhood be drained by the entertainment world, but when he was a little older, and still talking about the movies, they put him into acting schools. He studied for years, putting more focus into how his face looked in the mirror than to his school work. High school came second to acting and auditions and the endless drum of rebuttals and rejection until at nineteen he got his first break. Junmyeon was looking for a protege, and Minseok just happened to fit the part. He'd been seconds away from giving up completely and maybe trying to be a singer instead. And thank God for that. 

He likes singing, but Minseok never wants to be in Kim Jongin's shoes. He ponders on this while marching down the hallway from the CEO's office and catches his friend on his way in. The singer/rapper/dancer (Minseok has never figured out what Jongin is actually supposed to be) whistles when he sees his face and starts bouncing a little happier as he captures his friend in a hug that's all long arms and shoulders and damp sweaty hair from where Jongin's probably been working out or practicing. He cringes but hugs him anyways, thankful as ever that he's got an easier life. Minseok's actually one of the few entertainers on contract with his company that didn't start out as an idol. 

"Minseok-hyung, how'd it go? You're smiling, so I guess that means you're getting the part?" They pull apart and Jongin wrings his fingers around Minseok's, and it's awkward, but there's solidarity there so it barely matters.

"Seems like I will," he confirms, fixing what he knows is a smug look, something he knows will make Jongin probably laugh. And it does.

"Great. That's great. Meanwhile I..." Jongin continues to laugh, although he looks nervous as he pushes back his bangs. "Hey, anyways - now I've got a solo CF deal so that's pretty cool."

Getting this actually  _is_  pretty cool. Minseok knows how much Jongin has been pleading with the CEO to let him spread his wings and do his own thing. "Yeah? Well, just give them your best sex face and you've got it made." He laughs, punching the taller man in the shoulder. Jongin winces as Minseok adds, "So no Kyungsoo this time? What happened to your on-stage lover, huh? Or has the company decided it's time to put your ship to rest?"

He smirks, even though he knows Jongin is probably still bitter. Minseok's onetime movie co-star is actually one-half of the idol duo the company created for Kyungsoo and Jongin.  Unlike Jongin, however, who is relegated to dancing and fansigns and now at least does some solo modeling, Kyungsoo is the one they push for bigger and better things, like acting. The singer is good at it, Minseok won't lie, but he also can't lie and say it doesn't irk him that Minseok has been studying acting for half his life and that's the only thing he's ever wanted to do, while his CEO just has has to mention Kyungsoo's name and their company's clout for the idol to get his name right up there below Minseok's. If he ever surpasses him one day...

"Ahh, Kyungsoo-hyung," says Jongin sadly, fiddling with his bangs even more than he was just a second ago. "I think he's going to cameo in a drama later this month."

Minseok bites back his own bitterness, content to smile and act encouraging to Jongin at least. Minseok's an actor, and acting is what he does best. 

"Come hang out with Lu Han and I this weekend?" he asks, lightly changing the subject. "Should be a nice little crowd. Yixing will be there, possibly Jongdae. Probably Hani. She always manages to catch every invite, whether someone asks her to or not." Honestly it doesn't bother Minseok too badly, he doesn't want Jongin or anyone else to get the wrong impression. 

"Your flat?" Jongin asks. "Perhaps. So how's Lu Han doing these days?" 

 _Lu Han._.. Minseok side-smiles at his friend. They've never really talked about him and Lu Han, not in actual words, though like the rest of their small circle of friends, Jongin probably knows. 

"He's great. Probably hitting up lunch with some sponsor or another. What's he got to worry about anyways. Career is kind of cut line and dry. Two upcoming movie projects, although both are in China this time." Minseok grins blandly. Let Jongin take that how he will. Minseok is either jealous of how easy Lu Han has it, or else upset that his boyfriend is working out of country. "Nothing for a few more months though. Plenty of time to spend having fun." It's Minseok's turn to fix his hair and laugh. Because there's never going to be enough time, not in their line of business. Not in this kind of world.

He parts ways with Jongin soon after that with the idol's promise to come to dinner this weekend. ("And don't bring your boyfriend!" Minseok teases him once more about Kyungsoo.) However, he runs into that man just a few hallways and a staircase below and really hopes the singer didn't overhear him. Minseok has made a few enemies already in the acting world. He probably shouldn't continue that train and piss off the  _dongsaengs_  from his own company. It's bad enough Jongdae doesn't like him, and Jongdae isn't even an actor, just a chaebol with a whole lot of money and friends in every nook of the business. 

Lu Han doesn't answer when Minseok calls him about lunch. Honestly, he doesn't know where exactly Lu Han gets to during the days a lot of time - Minseok isn't the kind of guy to pry overly into peoples' lives without proper invite - but he figures Lu Han will call him back later when he's gotten through schmoozing whatever politician that's a family friend of the Lu dynasty back in Beijing. 

He doesn't really hold a vocal grudge, but Minseok has always envied how Lu Han's career was practically hand-crafted and designed for him. Money and connections definitely talk, even here in Seoul. Lu Han never has to worry about where his next role or endorsement deal is going to come from. In between first-class flights to Europe or week-long parties on a private island in the summer seas, somebody will have Lu Han's best interests at heart. Meanwhile the actor waves it off, denies half the attention he receives. He shoves on a pair of sunglasses worth more than the royalties Minseok received on his first five years of endorsements combined, and pretends that he is no different from anyone else. He does such a good job of that too. It's part of his charm, part of the reason Minseok loves him. 

 _Got the role_ , Minseok texts Lu Han after he slides into the passenger seat of Junmyeon's private car. His manager is dead set on treating him to samgyeopsal to celebrate, after which they have more schedules and places to be. 

It takes Lu Han two hours to respond and when he does it's only with a series of smilies and kisses that make Minseok laugh and smile, and eventually silence his phone from the sheer number of incoming texts because Junmyeon is beginning to frown at him. 

 _See you this weekend_ , Minseok responds finally, his heart bubbling over. 

 

 

 

There's a light atmosphere already developing by the time most of the party guests have arrived. Minseok stands in the open doorway between his kitchen and living area, a cocktail in his hand, smiling glamorously because, of course there would be a few party crashers. He now has an even bigger image to uphold, relationships to maintain, relationships to keep secret. He winks daringly at Lu Han in the other corner of the room, squashed in between a few girls whose names Minseok can't remember now while he's partially inebriated. Jongdae sits on the other couch, stretched out like he's in his own home, a slightly more rigid Kyungsoo by his side, and the two of them are conversing with Yixing, the singer-songwriter who knew Lu Han back when they were nobodies in China. 

"Bit crowded here, yeah?" Jongin asks by his side. On his other side, Hani is already winding through the crowd of loosely connected entertainment stars and socialites, an easy smile upon her lips. 

"It's a party. More the merrier," he says through tight lips, however, Jongin knows him better than that. His eyes glance between Minseok and the object of Minseok's gaze, Lu Han, who is being halfway assaulted by the fawning women. It would probably be rude to ask them to leave because only Minseok is allowed to touch Lu Han like that. He narrows his eyes at the way their long, manicured fingers itch at the inside of Lu Han's elbow, exploratory, proprietary. They're not as attuned as Minseok is to Lu Han's gestures, the nervous swallow of his throat which Minseok can see even from here; his posture, uncomfortable in light of the attention, unwanted. But just as Minseok can't really do anything about it, neither can Lu Han. It's part of the game they have to play in the eyes of the world, even among the more knowing ones. 

Only half the people in this room could probably guess that Minseok is fucking Lu Han or the other way around, and only one person knows this for a fact. Junmyeon hovers bored behind Minseok at his kitchen sink, haphazardly cleaning a few glistening wine glasses because he doesn't want to socialize any more than Minseok does. 

"Minseok-ah," says Hani, more than a little tipsy when she reaches his side. "You look tense. Relax! It's a party!"

Jongin laughs. "That's what I've been telling him too."

Minseok smiles, pretending to share in their joke, pretending to loosen up. It's not working, but instead, he changes the conversation.

"I take it Kyungsoo didn't come with  _you_?" he tells Jongin.

His friend smiles but shakes his head. "No. Jongdae." 

His eyebrows react, mimicking both Hani's and Jongin's. "I didn't know they were friends?"

Again, Jongin feigns nonchalance, ever mindful of every situation potentially buzzing around them. "Jongdae gets around. I heard his dad is running for some big city counselor position. Kyungsoo went to one of the banquets." He leaves it at that.

Only Hani has an interest in pursuing it further. "Since when is your company lending idol support to politicians?" Her voice is soft, still pleasantly engaging, but discrete. It's one of the things that he likes best about her, that there is sense beneath that pretty head of hers. 

Minseok laughs politely. "Your guess is as good as mine." 

It's another twenty minutes before Lu Han can extricate himself from the fawning women. Minseok presses next to Lu Han's side, hugging him like a friend would since they've had almost no time to speak. Nobody notices how Lu Han's hand creeps down Minseok's backside below his belt, lingering both lower and longer than just any friend would do. 

"Having fun?!" he yells against the din of the music, now that somebody, Yixing, has figured out how to work both his CD player and the antique gramophone he keeps on display.

"Loving it!" Minseok roars into Lu Han's ear, causing the man to squint. "But we have a problem!"

"What's that?" Lu Han comically asks, gasp dramatic, and face all eschew.

"My ice machine quit working yesterday, and we're almost out of the bags I bought!"

Lu Han smiles, his brain already working. "Not going to ask Junmyeon to go out and get some?"

"Hmmm, there's a thought. But I was thinking... Lu Han, would you mind going down to the corner store to buy a really heavy bag of ice... with me?"

They giggle and flirt all the way down the stairs, the side stairs at the back of the building where there are no security cameras because hardly anybody uses them anyway. Five flights, and they get very caught up in heavy breathing on the third floor landing, Lu Han pressing Minseok against the wall with the rail beating uncomfortably against his back. They haven't seen each other since the night of the cast party and the morning after that. Plenty of talking on the phone and through texts, but no touching. No kissing, no breaking down of the artificially created walls that they put up for other peoples' sakes. And last time it was Minseok who needed to exert that force, that control, so this time he lets Lu Han manhandle him for a couple minutes, throat bared for Lu Han's lips to devour, and he's almost crying because this is not enough. It's never enough.

That's as much as they dare to do there, semi-publicly and still in danger. At the bottom of the stairs before they exit into the lobby, each does a cursory check of the others' clothes, collars, and hairstyles. They never dare to leave a mark or even one hair of out of place, and there's always a good reason for that.

They spot Baekhyun, the bane-of-their-existence reporter lounging over the window counter of the convenience store, slurping his bowl of ramyun. The man looks tired, spent, probably alive because of caffeine and starch, and beside him sits his camera and assorted equipment, ready to catch the first celebrity he finds. Both of them hesitate for one second, debating revealing themselves, but then Minseok pulls forward, into Baekhyun's line of sight and Lu Han half-heartedly shrugs and follows him. Right now they have nothing to hide. Just two friends down on the street and shopping. Nothing illegal about that. Nothing scandalous about that. Unless Baekhyun wants to make it such. 

"Kim Minseok-ssi! Lu Han-ssi! My two favorite pals."

Lack of sleep or not, Baekhyun comes alive before their eyes, sauntering off his perch by the window when they enter through the door.

"Byun Baekhyun-ssi, what a miraculous coincidence that you're hanging out in this district tonight," Minseok greets him overly politely. He and Lu Han bow only what is due, watching stealthily as one of Baekhyun's hands reaches out, contemplating a photo-op, but then the reporter decides differently and makes no other move.

"This place has the nicest stools. Perfect cushion to sit on while I enjoy a late night snack." He smiles, eyes twinkling dangerously before they too dimmer out. It's late, and none of them including Baekhyun really has the energy to play this game for long. "Come on, you two," he says lazily. "When will you grant me a private interview? Making me sit out and stalk your neighborhood. Look, I know you've probably got a smashing great rave happening above, but I don't really give a crap about who's who and where and with whom. You guys though, you're my ticket. Just a little interview. Friendly. Casual. None of that stuck up pompous shit you say to the big publications. 'We're good friends on and off the set. Please look forward to our careers. We'll work hard to not disappoint.'" 

Baekhyun follows them through the store, Minseok scoffing outright with a little smile while Lu Han effects to chuckle.

"You're persistent, I'll give you that." Minseok eyes the beer and soju, his shoulder turned to the reporter. "What kind of headline will you write?" He walks past the alcohol towards the ice, noticing that Lu Han is putting plenty of distance between the two of them, even more so than would be effective.

"A headline?" Baekhyun smirks sleepily. "How about something about top actors and friends, having each other's backs? It's a cute story you know. Everyone loves a bromance."

"You flatter us too much," Lu Han says, honestly bashful but just a bit cautious. "We're not at the top of our game yet."

"Oh, right!" Baekhyun suddenly changes his tone, teasing. "That might be considered media play if I went ahead and said something like... that. Can't override humbleness and humility just yet. Okay, how about this then: Actors K and L, rising stars, at each other's backs.  _On_  each other's backs? One at at time? Which one will succeed? Ohhh, I wonder..."

His smile isn't downright evil, but it might as well be. 

Minseok hesitates just long enough to get across his displeasure. "Funny," he deadpans. Beside him, Lu Han isn't laughing either, his smile is just a hint tighter than it was before. 

"Trying your hand at defamation these days? That's cute, Baekhyun-ssi," says Lu Han evenly. "Let me know how that works for you. Goodnight."

They hear something like a cheerful goodbye while they make their purchase, followed by whispered words cursing their existence, and that's the last they see of Baekhyun that night. The party when they return to it is as loud as ever, but not entirely a place of mirth. Minseok is tired, Lu Han looks weary. Junmyeon notices something is off and immediately sets to accost Minseok. He waves off his manager, frowning when he notices Lu Han separating from him easily in the small crowd.

"Han, you're back!" Yixing calls out to his friend who sits by his side, and Minseok gets uneasy at the way Lu Han starts in on the story of meeting Baekhyun below like there'd been nothing to it. Like their careers weren't just threatened, however flimsy Baekhyun's 'proof' might have been. 

Twenty minutes later after Minseok's been put to the task of mediating a conversation between Jongin and Jongdae about the flagging respect of idols as artists both by the public and in the entertainment industry itself (with Kyungsoo rolling his eyes at the whole thing), Minseok is overjoyed when Yixing calls him out to serve up another round of liquor. 

Yixing wrote and sang one of the OSTs for  _The Pearl_ back before they knew the film would be a hit. He even beat out Kyungsoo for the privilege of getting his voice to shine, so that, and the fact that he's one of Lu Han's best friends, makes Minseok like him on a slightly higher superficial level. Beyond that, they've just never had the chance to get to know each other, other than through what Lu Han must and obviously shares. 

"You know," Yixing lowers his voice after they've just ransacked Minseok's fridge and pantry.

Minseok lifts his eyebrows to inquire. "Hmm?"

"You know, you really should be more cautious. You two. That thing running into Baekhyun..." 

He doesn't say anything more; he doesn't have to. 

"You're right," Minseok says tightly, smile faltering. 

Make that two people who know explicitly what kind of relationship he has with Lu Han.

 

 

 

 

Several hours later, Minseok takes delight in the fact that nobody but him knows how it feels to be looming over Lu Han's body in the vague darkness. That no one else gets to hear the faint cries and moans pulled from Lu Han's lips, or feel the way his torso contracts and twists and finally concaves in on itself when Minseok sinks down onto his ready cock. Lu Han reclines halfway against the headboard, pillows supporting his lower back and it's a struggle to hold his head up off the wall so that he can see Minseok's body rising and sinking against him, hands braced against the wall, knees bracketing his lover's hips, mouth jutted open in pleasure. He doesn't hold back a single moan, relishing in the feel of his erection brushing lightly against Lu Han's stomach every time he drops in time to meet Lu Han's thrusts. 

Nobody is allowed to take Minseok apart as readily as Lu Han. 

He fights the tears in his eyes, pleasure overwhelming, relief giving, stress reducing tears, because he's waited all week for a moment alone like this one. Sweat beats at his forehead, his bangs sticking together. 

"Min...seok...?

Lu Han stops moving for a moment, brows furrowed in concern, and it's the exact opposite of what Minseok wants him to do. He lifts his hips as high as they'll go without losing the tip of Lu Han's cock, and with every muscle he can furbish, drops heavily on top of it again. Lu Han squirms from beneath him, not ready to take the additional weight, and Minseok wasn't even prepared for the inadvertent but intentional pounding of his ass. He gasps, hands losing their grip on the wall and falls sloppily over the other.

"Minseok?" Lu Han asks again, hands rubbing now daintily against his back. He twists from beneath Minseok's fallen body as if trying to re-situate himself. He shifts so that Minseok is detached from his body, lube and Lu Han's precum sliding out of his hole, and Minseok whines even more.

"What... what are you doing?" he pants. "Fuck me, Lu Han, please. Fuck it out of me."

"Fuck what out of you?" The other laughs, that faint sound Minseok knows he makes when he's not sure what's going on. Minseok isn't sure if even he knows what's going on. He's been agitated all night, ever since the meeting with Baekhyun, ever since Yixing said something to him in warning. Truthfully, it's been going on for a lot longer than all that, or just today, or just this week. Maybe it's the strain of their secret relationship, Minseok's need to show publicly to the world how much he loves this man, his frustration when none of that is even a remote future possibility. What they have stays secret forever. He can smile to the world and proclaim Lu Han his friend, but that's it. 

"Minseok?" Lu Han repeats, and this time Minseok sighs. He crawls off Lu Han, hands and feet detangling from the sheets and the pillows until he's sitting on the side of the bed reaching for another bottle of soju and he downs half the bottle in go. Lu Han is already crawling after him, neither of them physically satisfied, but suddenly it hardly matters that his erection is still jutting up from between his thighs, red and angered. It's symbolic maybe. He laughs. 

The bottle is whipped away from his hand, Lu Han no longer willing to just speak his name.

"What," he starts off, not harshly, but to Minseok's ears it sounds that way. "What is the matter?"

Minseok sighs, back falling against the bedsheets. "I don't know. I don't know. Lu Han why can't you just fuck me." He has almost no energy, no bone mass, no muscle. Every thing is hazy, fading fast.

"You've had too much to drink tonight, Seok." 

And he sounds sad, so sad. Maybe just as sad as Minseok is? 

"What's that got to do with anything," he spits lamely. 

"What do you mean, Seok. Something's the matter with you. Talk to me, hmm? Please?"

Maybe if he was more sober, Minseok would be willing. This is his partner, his lover, his boyfriend, the man he chooses to be with. That  _choice_  now though feels sticky on his tongue. "Nothing to talk to about."

"Obviously, there is." Lu Han continues to pry, and he's so sweet and wannabe comforting that it almost makes Minseok cringe. Why is he so perfect, so loving, so caring. Why does Lu Han act like the million dollar charmer when right now Minseok just feels raw. Open and raw, and he wants Lu Han to be that way too. 

"Is it about what happened earlier? Is it about Baekhyun?"

"No, Yes. It's always about Baekhyun. It's always about guys like Byun Baekhyun. We'll never be free of guys like Byun Baekhyun-ssi!"

He rips the bottle back from Lu Han's hands, only instead of drinking it, he chucks it at the floor. It doesn't even break. He wanted it to break. A million glass shards is just his mood right now, and instead it hits the wall and floor with a clump, liquid spilling out and Lu Han doesn't even react. At least, not immediately. 

Two arms wrap around his naked form, pulling Minseok back. He struggles, spluttering incoherently and his legs kick into the air as his ass slides against the sheets. "What!" he manages to squeak, finally realizing that Lu Han is speaking to him. 

"I said, come here," Lu Han huffs. "You're in a piss-ass mood and we're both fucking hard. At least let me rub this out of you." 

That's when Minseok feels an icy cold hand against his dick, and he seethes, imagining steam coming off from the contact his throbbing, burning cock. "Screw you. I'll do it myself." 

"Hell no, if you're going to be acting this way tonight, then at least give me this satisfaction."

Minseok only half-heartedly attempts to push Lu Han's hand away. He's flat on his back, legs still boneless, and every bit of his mind is concentrated in the vicinity of his crotch. "There's still a bottle trickling alcohol down my wall," he says, eyes closed as Lu Han works him off.

"Your apartment, your problem."

"Jerk."

He thinks hears Lu Han sigh, but Minseok's coming already and every sensation post-orgasm is on his own sated relief, and how that just... isn't enough. 

 

 

If he'd just known then that this would be the last time Lu Han touched him, he would have paid more attention. 

 

 

 

 

**_Three days ago_ **

 

"Lu Han, how are you."

"Fine, sir. And you?"

"Fine, fine. That's great. I want to tell you, my family really loved your last movie."

"I'm flattered, sir."

"Your family should be really proud of you."

"I think they are, thank you."

"Cutting edge content though."

"I... yes."

"Then again, young actors like yourself make their names playing roles like that. I hear it's popular with certain crowds... homo-sexuality or whatever."

"It... was a good role. The script and the director."

"Yes, we thought it would be for you when we picked it for you. You know, I had many discussions with your father - wonderful man, as you must know."

"Yes, sir."

"He was just a bit worried about your image because of it, but... well, I suppose it turned out okay. The next projects in China, well they're all very well impressed by your performance. And your face is everywhere. That's good. That's really good."

"Yes, thank you."

"What is it the young ones get scared of though? Being typecast? Can't be good doing similar roles back to back. Good thing we'll never have you repeat that one... it's, not good overall. But I think you'll successful even in spite of that image. Your handsome face, the ladies will go crazy."

"Yes, I... hope they will."

"How's that other fellow doing? Your co-star, Min... Min-something."

"Kim Minseok-ssi?"

"Yes! That's the guy. How's he doing?"

"Fine, I believe. He's also got some upcoming projects."

"Koreans... they don't like this homosexuality thing much either, do they?"

"Not so much, sir."

"Yes, that's right. Well, maybe he'll also be able to turn a more... manly image for himself. They say you're good friends? You and him?"

"We get together every now and then. The public likes that sort of thing. Co-stars who get along well."

"Hah hah. Yes, well that's good. As long as it's not too much. What's this thing they call it nowadays... shipping? Hah hah. I'm right, yes? Well, as long as there's not too much like that between you. Just enough to keep up the image is okay, but, well we wouldn't want it getting too out of hand, right?"

"No, sir, you're absolutely right."

"Good, good. Well, my boy, let's talk about this movie you're up for? Lots of sponsors back in Beijing want you for it. It'll amazing for your career, don't you think?"

"Absolutely, sir."

 

 

 

 

**_Two days ago_ **

 

"Yixing?"

"Lu Han? Oh, is that you? Hey."

"Hey. What's up?"

"Not much. You're the one who called. How're things?"

"They're... good. Yeah, really good."

"But?"

"Hah. You can tell there's a but?"

"There always is when you call up speaking with that particular tone."

"You know me well."

"I do. So tell me. Is it your dad?"

"No, he's back in Beijing still. Everything's fine there, I think."

"You think?"

"Yeah. I met with some of the sponsors yesterday. The ones who mentioned my name to the producers for that movie."

"The one that's supposed to be a hit in China?"

"Yeah, that's the one."

"Then what's the problem?"

"Hmmm, I don't know. Maybe there isn't a problem. Yet."

"Yet? Is it... is something to do with Minseok?"

"Maybe..."

"Tell me, Han."

"I think they might know."

"Who, your dad?"

"I don't know. The guy I saw yesterday though... he mentioned something. It was, a bit chilling."

"Like a warning?"

"Yes, but a very subtle one."

"You should quit seeing Minseok then, if you're worried."

"Hah. I don't want to though."

"Then you must not be that worried? They can't know, Han. Maybe just suspect something, but how many people actually know? Truly?"

"I don't know. If enough people suspect though, that could just be enough."

"So..."

"So, I still don't want to... you know..."

"Break up with him? Han, we've talked about this. How do you really know what he thinks about you anyways? You could be a phase for him."

"I'm not though! It's not like that. He... I think we really love each other."

"You sure about that?"

"Yes!"

"So then...?"

"So, I'm still scared."

"Well, I suppose that's to be expected. Be careful, Han?"

"I will."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got tired beating around the bush and decided I should just write some good old-fashioned Xiuhan angst. There will be 4 parts (roughly). Please pay attention to the listed ships; Each of them will be making appearances off-and-on. I want to warn you also that the scope of this fic is long. As in, characters age in this fic. This will cover a huge chunk of Minseok's and Lu Han's lives. The angst comes with how they deal with the world. Never fear though: there's no character death here.


	2. Chapter 2

K-Stars Media Coverage:

_ [Breaking] Rising star actor Lu Han appears to have fled South Korea after wrecking his car into a power pole late last night. There were no major injuries reported and no other vehicles involved, however, witnesses at the scene claim to have seen someone else leaving the accident before emergency vehicles could respond. Although some have suspected drunk driving, police reports have not yet indicated the cause of the accident. Lu Han, according to his agency, is currently unavailable for comment. _

 

The light-up screen of Minseok's phone flashes constantly, the ringer having been long silenced. He can't even count how many texts and phone calls he's received over the past five hours and suspects if he were to check, the number would be incredible. He doesn't care. None of them belong to Lu Han; he knows that for certain. 

Only Junmyeon was able to break down his front door courtesy of the key Minseok granted to his manager many years ago. He answers all of Junmyeon's questions passionlessly.

_ "I don't know what happened." _

_ "I haven't talked to him." _

_ "No, I don't know where he went. China, right? That's what the headline says, yes?"  _

He doesn't brush off Junmyeon's soft hand on his shoulder because that takes too much effort. Instead, he suffers through the man's casual pleas to speak, say or do anything. After half an hour of soft sighs and getting no response, Minseok finally breaks down and asks, "Would you mind, Junmyeon? I'd like to be by myself now. Please."

Time starts to do funny things in his mind. One minute Minseok is glancing through the glass door at the empty balcony patio. Another minute he sees Lu Han there smiling in his bubbly way, and somewhere in his mind the image morphs into the last expression Minseok saw on his lover's face, and this one isn't quite so carefree or lovely. It's pained, hurt, distraught, frightened at the very last moment. Minseok feels every one of those emotions on Lu Han's behalf and it paralyzes him.

The clock ticks on. Five o'clock now, and he's eaten nothing for over fifteen hours since the party. Someone else is banging on his door, but he doesn't get up to see who. It won't be Lu Han; he knows this for certain. Lu Han has fled, sometime probably this morning. He didn't stay a moment longer than necessary, but Minseok wasn't there to see him go. 

His head pounds but the knocking on the door eventually goes away. His face itches where he hasn't shaved all day and his stomach rumbles, unused to taking this kind of neglect. There's a foul odor of alcohol and leftover food plates that nobody's cleaned up since they were left out the night before. Usually Minseok does it alone unless Lu Han sticks around. Sometimes it's Junmyeon who drops by in the morning, or Jongin who guiltily sweeps in after a few hours of sleep to help throw out the trash and clean the dishes, but not today. Not this day when Lu Han is gone, Junmyeon turned away, and Jongin refused entrance. 

Minseok doesn't touch a thing. His senses may be revolted, his body may protest, but his heart aches and on the side table between his bed and chair is a stack of photos and Polaroids of him and Lu Han together, and maybe they'll be the last he'll ever have. Of Lu Han smiling and looking at Minseok like he's the world, of Minseok grinning and shyly touching Lu Han back. It's the evidence of their relationship no one has ever seen. He rarely takes the pictures out in daylight but it's alright today. Nobody is going to be there. Nobody will know. They'll never know. 

He falls asleep around eleven, body slumping only slightly into the same chair that he's been sitting in since the moment he first got home. That was sometime in early hours of the morning. Now his face is finally dry of all the tears he's cried. Tomorrow he'll pick up his apartment and try to go about life as usual, but there's no motivation beyond merely existing. 

Everything is changed now. 

 

 

 

 

"Is he in there?"

"Yes, but maybe... Jongin, wait-"

Junmyeon's incapable of blocking the door and a moment later Jongin marches through the entryway into the small sitting room between the hallway and their CEO's office. It's a small room with only one window, a few potted plants and a variety of chairs set up almost like a doctor's office. An empty desk rests against the wall beside the inner door. Minseok sits up properly on a single's armchair, one knee crossed over the other and his hands rest nicely in his lap. He raises one eyebrow at the sight of his friend and greets him with half of a smile. Junmyeon follows behind looking exasperated, as if he worries the sight of Jongin will cause Minseok to explode. He need not worry so much.

"Hello, hello," he says. 

"Minseok-hyung!"

Minseok feigns curiosity over Jongin's stressed state. "Jongin. Good to see you. How's it going?"

"How's it... what?" Jongin pauses and frowns, lines criss-crossing his foreheard as he glares downward. "Hyung, where've you been?!"

"Jongin," Junmyeon tries to interrupt again. "Maybe now's not the time-"

"Nonsense," says Minseok. He uncrosses his leg and sits a little more forward. "Nothing going on. Just waiting on the boss. Shouldn't be more than a few minutes. I..."

It's been over a week since he saw him, one long week where Minseok shut out the world and the gossip. If that included his friends then so be it; he hoped they would understand. 

"Minseok, I..." Jongin sits down next to him, and Minseok knows he will understand even where Junmyeon could not. His manager seems to accept the situation now and quietly leaves them alone. The door shuts with a soft click. "What happened?" Jongin whispers.

"You read about it," he answers quietly. 

The other shakes his head. "Rumor and here-say. That Lu Han had a car accident, that he flew home for medical care instead of remaining here. They're saying... they're saying that you were... were with him?"

"Who's saying?" 

"Tabloids, mainly. Drunk driving, but I don't believe it."

"It wasn't drunk driving," Minseok says quickly. 

Jongin swallows uncertainly before continuing. "Byun Baekhyun-ssi just ran a whole article based on the speculations."

"I know. I read it."

"You... you did?"

"He doesn't have anything. Just running his mouth creating stories from thin air."

The article was indeed a load of worthless gossip. The 'reporter' recounted seeing Lu Han and Minseok together sometime before the accident occurred, which was indeed true, but Baekhyun neglected to mention how many hours it had been, and that they had not needed a car to walk across the street and then return home. It would not have mattered anyways. The whole point was that they were seen together, and on its own that was not damning evidence. In light of the later accident, however, Minseok tried not to dwell on the consequences even a crazy story like Baekhyun's could have.  Every two-cent reporting agency was running something about the accident and subsequent events, and each with a newer angle:

Lu Han was definitely with someone when the accident happened. Lu Han had been so badly injured he'd had to be life-flighted away. Lu Han's family insisted he be treated immediately under their care. Lu Han had not been seen at a single hospital in Beijing or the surrounding areas. Was he badly injured or not? Was there more to the story? What happened to the second person? Was there a cover-up second body? Was it drunk driving? Did he leave Minseok's house with anyone? Did he leave with Minseok? Why would the two actors have left together when it was Minseok's own house? Why had Kim Minseok-ssi also not been available for questioning?

The only thing they have left to insinuate is that one thing that is true, was true: that they'd been in the middle of a lovers' quarrel. Him, Kim Minseok, actor, and Lu Han, actor. Gay. 

"Hyung, are you sure you're alright? You weren't in the car, right?"

"I'm fine, Jongin-ah. Don't worry about me."

"But, Lu Han...?"

"He went home for a little while, that's all. He was already planning to go back."

"And... is he coming back?"

Minseok smiles, deceptively appeasing Jongin's fears. "Of course."

Junmyeon comes through the door again just seconds later, the CEO right on his heels.

 

 

The inside of Heechul's office is overly bright, colorful. Sun streams through the easternmost windows. Minseok sits on the other side of the room allowing Junmyeon to block part of the light. His manager looks more nervous than he does.

"There's been some recent reservations about your casting." Heechul never starts off by mincing his words. He sits back lazily in his chair, hands crossed delicately before him.

It's silent throughout the room, only Junmyeon's slowly beleaguered breathing turning audible. "Choi Minho is reconsidering?" he asks scathingly. 

"Possibly so. In light of the..."

The silence grows. "In light of what?" Junmyeon demands.

Heechul sits forward, growing a little more serious. He sideswipes Junmyeon's gaze in favor of Minseok, who just stares down at the ground, daring Minseok to decipher it for himself.

"They think there's a possible scandal brewing, don't they?" he says sighing. 

"Is there?" asks Heechul.

Minseok steadies his gaze and grips his jaw tight, however, it's his manager who says firmly, "No, there isn't."

"Perhaps we should let Minseok answer that for himself?"

He doesn't have an answer unfortunately. If it's up to him, then no there isn't a scandal. None that people would likely know about, but if the only reason the director of his upcoming movie is having reservations is because Lu Han was last positively identified in Minseok's company, that's no reason to kick him out of the role they've already agreed upon.

"I have some statements prepared already for Minseok's declining the offer. Personal reasons. Other commitments, and the like."

"Absolutely not!" Junmyeon adamantly cries, half standing up out of his chair.

Heechul holds up a hand to calm him. "I didn't say we needed to use them yet. However, it must be considered in advance. If something ever were to come up... Well then, we can see how it goes. In the meantime, Minseok-ssi, I would ask you to consider all aspects of the current situation and reflect..." Seeing Junmyeon's race turing irrately red again, he was quick add, "Please, take some time to discuss this with your manager. In the meantime, I will send someone to placate Mr. Choi and smooth his feathery ruffles. Sound like a plan? Excellent. Wonderful. I will see you two again this time next week. Good day, Junmyeon-ssi, Minseok-ssi."

 

 

 

Minseok leads the way out of the set of offices, Junmyeon trailing behind him wordlessly. He knows better than to make him sit down right this second to  _talk_. 

"There's an interview scheduled for the film on Tuesday. I suspect it'll end up being two-fold. They're bound to ask about... Let's get together before then, yeah?"

Minseok hums affirmatively, lips pursed, eyes focused on a stairwell at the end of the hall. He doesn't say goodbye to Junmyeon, but waves him off as friendly as he can muster. 

He finds Yixing several flights up, locked away in a small sound mixing room, guitar laid across his thighs. He has a few complicated recording programs opened on the computer screen before him. Beside that sits a notebook with scribblings between each line and margin. Yixing looks up slowly when the door squeaks open, removes his headphones and stashes a pencil behind his ear.

"Minseok." His voice is cool, controlled, not a trace of suspicion present.

"Figured I'd find you somewhere around here." Minseok steps inside and closes the door. Then he leans against the frame and smiles wanly. 

"You were looking for me?" 

He shrugs. 

As if Yixing suddenly realizes the weight of his presence, he shifts about on his chair and sets the guitar aside on its stand. It's unnerving, how his eyes fixate on Minseok and even though he's sitting and Minseok should have the high ground, Minseok shivers internally. 

"Can I do something for you?" Yixing asks after a few lost seconds. 

Minseok coughs, anything to get past his own lack of words. They're not friends really, merely close acquaintances and the only reason is because of Lu Han. If anyone knows where Lu Han went, Yixing would know. And yet he can't figure out how to ask, or how to admit to Lu Han's best friend that something went wrong and it's mostly Minseok's fault. 

"I don't know where he is either," Yixing says.

"Huh?" The man's sudden admission startles him. 

"That's what you want to know, right?" Yixing sighs and starts listing the rumors, sounding deceptively bored. He waves his hands in the air. "Nobody's seen him. The papers are full of garbage. There is no full length story, and I daresay you know more than anyone, so if you don't know anything, why do you think I'd know better? Aren't  _you_  his boyfriend?" 

He speaks casually, but still the accusation burns in the back of Minseok's throat. "I... I just thought maybe he would call you." His mouth goes dry. Tears threaten to fall from the corners of his eyes and he blinks rapidly to hold them at bay. 

Yixing visibly softens at the sign of his distress. "Look, Minseok, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to..."

"I know," Minseok says quickly. "I know you didn't. I just, wanted to... see you. So, see you around, okay?"

Yixing stands up. Possibly it's to embrace him or comfort him in some way, but Minseok is out the door before he can get the opportunity. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

::To Junmyeon::

Maybe I should just give up the role 

I haven't been feeling well this week

 

::To Minseok::

I know you haven't, but let's meet and talk about this ok? 

 

::To Junmyeon:: 

Talk about what exactly

 

::To Minseok::

You'll possibly regret it later. Do you want this thing to beat you? You're stronger than this

 

::To Junmyeon::

Sure about that?

 

::To Minseok::

I am. Don't give up the role now for no good reason

 

::To Junmyeon:: 

What about Lu Han though - is that not a good enough reason

 

::To Minseok::

Let's meet and talk about it first k?

 

::To Junmyeon::

Alright. You're right. See you tomorrow

 

 

 

 

The stupid thing is, he already knows he's going to let Junmyeon persuade him. There is no story worthy of a scandal that would bar him the role unless Lu Han himself returns and outs them both. And such a thing is as unlikely as Jongin suddenly telling him that he's dating Kyungsoo like all the fangirls and fanboys and shippers dream about in racy, mature-rated fanfics. Choi Minho will have no hold to ask him to resign, Heechul will smooth things over with the other producers, and Byun Baekhyun will likely take Minseok for a crazy ride during their next interview session, but Minseok knows he'll be fine. For all intents and purposes, the public won't see him any differently. He'll still wake up tomorrow as the rising star actor with the lazy eyes and sweet, giggling smile because to them, Lu Han was nothing but a colleague. Minseok has a professional career to craft and people who count on him, people who dote on him, like Junmyeon with his endless reams of encouragement. 

In a month, in a year, nobody will care about Lu Han's accident. Because they won't know the heart of it. They won't see how twisted is Minseok's body inside, writhing in anguish and regret. 

_ "Would you stop it, Minseok! Stop it! Stop talking. Just stop talking!" _

_ "You want me to shut up now?! Oh okay, fine!" _

There's no audio, no documentation, but Minseok hears it every time a silence drops, sees it every time he closes his eyes. The feel of Lu Han's wrist beneath Minseok's fingers when he tries to calm him down, the sweetness of his aroma when he attempts unwisely to kiss away Lu Han's fears. But the damage was already done, and mere words could not fix it then. He wonders if they could fix it now, if he could just be given another chance, or if he'd screw it up all over again.

 

::To Minseok::

Minseok-ah how are you doing?

 

::To Hani::

Fine. and you?

 

::To Minseok::

you sure about that? 

 

::To Hani::

maybe not

 

 

 

He dreams that night. Fitful memories of their argument, of the car accident, of Minseok fleeing the scene. Horrifically they're interspersed with so many of the better times as if conjured from nowhere to torment him and remind him of what he's missing. 

"So, you are  _the_  Kim Minseok."

" _The_ Kim Minseok? Have you heard something about me that I don't know about?" Minseok had laughed, unknowingly from that moment on endearing himself to the wide-eyed impressionable foreigner with whom there was already a script written where they would kiss. And then some.

"Well, I know you were a child star once. I guess I imagined you would still look young. Innocent looking. Chubby cheeks, that sort of thing." Lu Han laughed, eyes twinkling as he unknowingly tugged Minseok to trip and fall in love.

"Chubby cheeks? You thought I'd still have chubby cheeks?" He purposefully sucked in his cheeks as thin and gaunt as they could go, comically rendering his face like a ghost and his eyes bugged out ridiculously, but Lu Han laughed anew.

"I may have seen a picture of you when you were younger. Or maybe it was recent and just the angle was off? I'm sorry. My apologies!" He'd bowed a full 90 degrees, blushed again and then with a straight voice uttered words that caused Minseok's knees to tremble. "My apologies, again! Really, you're very handsome. A very handsome man. It's a pleasure to get to work with you."

"Your Korean is excellent," Minseok said, because the alternate response was to say something babbling and embarrassing like, 'And you are so very handsome as well.' 

They got to know each through sleep-deprivation and coffee-fueled late nights, studying scripts, waiting on the words  _Action!_  to set them in motion. And behind the scenes, they practiced in secret, familiarizing each other with their bodies until there was nothing left to know. 

The visions swim in his head as he thrashes around in the too large bed. It always was too large, even when Lu Han wasn't there. Especially when he wasn't there, and tonight it only seems to engulf him. He wakes up sweating, bangs plastered to his forehead, his back aching. It's raining outside, droplets hitting the window sideways, an incessant tapping that drags him out of his bed. He pads barefoot down the hall, forehead clutched in his palm. His sweatpants drag against the floor, his chest bearing cold from the nip in the air brought on by the outside storm. 

Someone moves in the living room, a silhouette against the rain-drenched glass door.

"Minseok," says the silhouette.

"Lu Han? You're here..."

"So are you."

He stalks closer, nearer to his vision, anxious to see Lu Han in the flesh, to rest his eyes on Lu Han's face and touch his body. To apologize. 

"You know, I kind of figured you might have come after me."

"I wanted to," Minseok admits. "I wanted to... so much. I just, didn't know if I would be welcome there."

"How would you know unless you tried?"

Lu Han lets him advance, to place his hands atop the other's shoulders and melt into his body. They hit the window together, languidly falling to their sides and Lu Han wraps his arms around Minseok's waist like he was never meant to leave. Their kisses start soft, thin lips pressed together and Minseok lays every apology he's ever spoken or swallowed against them, reverently, lovingly. 

And then Lu Han grows hungry. He flips Minseok around, bare skin seething against the glass as his shoulder blades collide with the surface, and there are tears in Lu Han's eyes. 

"Why, Minseok, why?" he begs in-between ravishing the side of Minseok's jaw, the curve of his neck, licking eagerly just above his collar bones as he holds Minseok in place. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, let me make it up," Minseok whispers. He fingers the belt at Lu Han's waist, already trying to undo the buckle, but Lu Han sneaks one hand down and pushes it away.

"Since you wouldn't do anything, and you wouldn't come to me," Lu Han hisses sensually against the shell of his ear, "then don't do anything now."

"What?" Minseok is confused until he feels Lu Han's hands once again turning him around. His lover positions his palms on the glass, level with his face, and presses his cheek into the window. It's cold and damp, fogging up except where Minseok touches it. Once he's satisfied Minseok won't go anywhere, Lu Han grabs his sweatpants and rolls them down off his hips. Minseok gasps when his cock first touches the glass. He's warm down there, still heating up, but curled still and uncomfortably pressed towards the window until Lu Han angles his hips back and takes him hand. 

He gets it now, Lu Han wanting him to be pliant, at his mercy. Minseok lets himself to be stroked, gently, softly, until the smoothness of his dick turns humid and Lu Han can no longer roll his hand against the folds of his skin. "Wait there," he whispers, and Minseok does as he says. 

Outside the rain pounds on, beating at the other side of the pane against which Minseok stands naked and breathing shallowly. There's no thunder, nor lightning, just the rain and the clouds and nobody would ever look across and be able to see him. The apartment sits in total darkness, only Lu Han knows he's there, but it's as thrilling a display as he and Lu Han will ever get. 

Lu Han returns, warm gel in his hands and this time he wastes no time stroking Minseok into ecstasy with his kisses against Minseok's neck, tucked away below his hairline. He talks while he does it, encouraging or reprimanding words that have nothing to do with the power he demonstrates with his fist, and when Minseok comes, streaks of himself against the glass, Lu Han buries his nose in the curve of Minseok's collar, pressing his hips insistently against the bareness of Minseok's cheeks. It's a complicated tussle, one hand keeping Minseok from falling forward, the other, cock in hand, stroking him through completion as Lu Han grinds him from behind. He hasn't come though. Minseok knows he won't, not like this. Even as he gasps and stutters in his pleasure, he knows Lu Han's plan.

He's let down onto his knees, face slipping down through condensation and finally cum until he rests on his haunches, hands clutching the glass. Lu Han continues to hold him in place. He wipes his cum-covered hand on Minseok's turned cheek, directs him to rest his forehead against the window, and only then does he go for his own belt.

Lu Han slips his hard length into the crevice where earlier he'd only kissed, in the sensitive curve between neck, ear and shoulder. Minseok shudders, and it has nothing to do with his own used up orgasm and everything to do with Lu Han rutting behind him, through him, beside him. It's sick, it's sweet, it's musky. Coupled with Lu Han's moans high above his head, it sends Minseok into a stupor where all he can think about is  _Lu Han_. Minseok doesn't even matter.  _He_  doesn't matter, because that's how Lu Han wants it, so that when he finally comes, cock positioned beside Minseok's face, his cum splatters against the glass and reverberates back. Minseok closes his eyes and sighs, breath hitching like it was his own orgasm.

 

When he finally opens his eyes, there's daylight outside, blue skies, not a drop of moisture except in his eyes. His pajamas are stained; his hand is sticky. Lu Han was never there. He hits the alarm, rolls over and buries himself under a pillow. 

 

 

 

"Minseok, you're reverting back to your old habits. Stop it, please."

Minseok immediately drops his hand from his mouth, edge of his thumbnail barely chipped. He sighs but doesn't respond to Junmyeon's admonition in any other way. He has an interview in half an hour, and he supposes it won't look good if he shows up with chewed nails. The cameramen are sure to pick up on such things with their high definition technology. It's bad enough they'll probably spot the tiredness under his eyes and speculate on that ad naseum. 

"Let's go over the questions again-"

"Junmyeon, we've been over them a hundred times already. I know what to say."

"Are you... but... fine." His manager runs a hand through his bangs, throat swallowing nervously. As usual, he's acting more stressed than Minseok, not because Minseok isn't worried, but because he isn't worried outwardly. He's perfected the technique, just as he'd perfected his carefree look of indifference every time he tried to phone Lu Han, or tried to text Lu Han, or tried to get ahold of Lu Han's family in Beijing, and never received an answer. 

Lu Han's phone was apparently disconnected three days ago. 

"I'm going to get water bottles for us. Need something else?" 

"Coffee, please?" Minseok answers. Junmyeon's fidgeting is starting to drive him mad.

"Got it. Alright. Don't go anywhere."

"Where would I go, Junmyeon. You don't need to worry about me."

The door slams behind him, and Minseok winces slightly. He shifts his legs, switching one knee to instead rest on the other, and he rubs out a slight crease on his thigh while he waits. Several hallways down they're preparing for the press report, and everything is going fine. Heechul smoothed out the doubts about his casting and even managed to get Jongin a small cameo based on the promise that Kyungsoo would be available for an upcoming movie role with Choi Minho's producer pals. Minseok is still irked by that one, but there's nothing he can do about it now. That's how the company works. That's how fame works. You give and you take, and sometimes people take more than they ought. 

The seconds tick by. He doesn't dare get up or move around, or touch his face or his hair, else they'll send in another stylist to prod and poke at him, their scrubby fingers going everywhere, as if Minseok is just a mannequin and not an actual human being. 

Still though, Junmyeon doesn't back. When the door opens again it reveals not his manager, but Byun Baekhyun the reporter, two coffees in hand. Minseok sits up in his chair.

"What are you-"

"Kim Minseok-ssi! Your manager gave me free reign for a little chat. Here, didn't you want a coffee?"

"How, why...?"

But Baekhyun just smiles mystically and doesn't answer the question. There's a glint in his eye when he passes Minseok the cardboard cup of caffeine. Then he takes a seat opposite Minseok, very cool and composed.

"You'll get your questions answered at the press conference. It's already been detailed," says Minseok cautiously. One never knows what a guy like Baekhyun knows, and if Junmyeon really allowed him to enter, then it's important enough to not screw this up.

"The public one? Yeah, I know. I had a few reservations though about speaking so candidly in front of all the tabloid reporters though." Baekhyun speaks as if he's a class above. 

Minseok narrows his eyes, eyebrows furrowed in question. "You've already published your variation of events from that night. What else do you want to know?"

"The fact you assume I'm asking about Lu Han-ssi's accident that night, and not your upcoming film, tells me there actually  _is_ more than anyone suspects."

Minseok absolutely refuses to look upset. "Regardless, continue, please?"

Baekhyun smiles. "Oh, I don't have much to offer the world. Or you right this minute. I'd just to say how very curious I thought it was, when you came back to your apartment very, very early in the morning. Minseok, what were up to? Do you have a secret girlfriend you're not telling the world about. Or a boyfriend? Oh, I know such things are career-ruiners if one speaks about it so openly. You don't have to worry about me."

He pauses just long enough to give Minseok room to respond, however, Minseok doesn't.

"Have you heard from Lu Han since the accident?"

"So what if I have or haven't?" 

"Oh, it's nothing. Again I just figured it was curious. You know, I have few colleagues in the Chinese media, reporters like me. They've been trying to locate him. Apparently they haven't been very successful. No trace of him actually. Bizarre, isn't it? How a face as famous as his hasn't been spotted since he got on a plane at Incheon? Minseok-hyung, can I call you hyung?"

"No."

"Minseok-ssi. I don't mean much, but I think we can help each other out. You know, life is rather difficult. Scoops are hard to get after all. Would you promise me something in the future?" At Minseok's glare, Baekhyun immediately laughs and waves a hand in the air, almost spilling his cup of coffee. "Nothing ghastly, never fear. I just thought how nice it would be if we did this kind of thing more often, you and me. Candid interviews about your film, what it's like working with the other actors. Kyungsoo's being hailed as a rising star alongside you. By the way, Hani-ssi is a firecracker! Won't you keep me posted on the goings-on of celebrity life? Minseok-ssi, be a doll and grant my wishes." The reporter actually pouts, and Minseok has never seen something quite so foul.

"And in exchange?" He has no choice, not with the way Baekhyun is putting things. The threat is so veiled, so perfectly poised.

"In exchange, I quit digging into the past. The past is  _so_  dirty, isn't it."

They sip their coffees in silence, Minseok neither agreeing nor denying it. But Baekhyun drains his cup a minute later and tosses it into the trash can on his way out the door, a cool smile of celebration on his lips.

There aren't any surprises at the press conference, just as planned. Junmyeon, however, is quite livid afterwards when he corners Minseok in the dressing room and demands to know what Baekhyun is holding over him. 

"Possibly, nothing," Minseok replies. "Possibly, too much."

 

 

 

 

He agrees to go out with Hani later in the week. It's not official and they don't arrive together, and when they do it's at a restaurant with a lot of other celebs in a private suite behind the bar. Junmyeon takes the night off and begs Minseok not to let anything else happen. Jongin meets them there as well, and it's a different variation of the same kind of people who were at Minseok's party a few weeks earlier. Only this time Lu Han isn't here. 

"It's good to see you out," Hani says, several colleagues of her own hanging on her elbows and Minseok greets them all politely. Jongin slips into the space when the other girls begin to mingle elsewhere, a soft hello on his lips. 

Minseok accepts a glass of something mixed that the bartender hands him. "Well you did say you'd come after me if I didn't make a public showing somewhere." 

"People are starting to talk," she says softly, not bothered by Jongin's presence at all. The idol folds his elbows over the counter and listens in. 

"So? Does coming out to drink count as 'making an appearance'? Am I good to go for a few more weeks?"

"You don't have to be snarky with me, Minseok," says Hani not unkindly. "We missed you too, you know?"

Something in the tone of her voice makes Minseok want to soften up. He doesn't apologize, but he does grimace and look mildly sheepish. Both Hani and Jongin seem to accept this, and go out of their way to make him feel comfortable. They don't ask him about Lu Han for the rest of the evening, and if anyone else does they slowly shift the conversation away so that Minseok doesn't have to answer. 

It's because  _they're friends_ , Minseok realizes halfway through the night. The best he'll ever find left in Korea at the rate he's going. They don't expect him to play a role, they won't insist on something in return, like Byun Baekhyun. They don't even rely on him professionally like Junmyeon has to, and there's a freedom that comes with this. He shows it progressively in the amount of alcohol he drinks, in the number of laughs he makes, the conversations he partakes in, shoulder to shoulder with both Hani and Jongin like there isn't a ghost following along behind. Like the shadow of Lu Han isn't there, was never there at all.

"I have to get out of here," Hani drawls hours later, inebriated as her friends pull her off the bar and down to an awaiting car. Minseok giggles as she stumbles out, Jongin muttering nonsense beside him. They wave as a few more people go, and still others are nursing their drinks, dancing between the tables or chatting up acquaintances, pocketing contacts more famous or influential than themselves. It's how this crowd of people really work. Always somebody else to know, to wheedle information from, or to leech off their good fortune and fame, and it's not just celebrities and people working specifically in the entertainment industry. Minseok was surprised to see a few multi-millionaires in the throng, people like Kim Jongdae and the flocks of people who swarm around his money. 

"This place makes me sick," Minseok whispers confidentially to Jongin. The idol's face looks just a bit blurry, a little fuzzy around the edges, a sheen of sweat on his face and this is how Minseok knows he's good and drunk, that he admits to himself how Jongin is really quite attractive.

"Why are you touching my nose?" Jongin sounds about the same, a little unsteady.

"Sorry, I was looking for your ear so you could lead me out of this place."

Jongin laughs and swats his hand away. "Junmyeon leave you here? I'll call a cab."

"Noo, don't leave me sitting here. What if Kyungsoo tries to talk to me. I might try to take him out. I can't trust myself right now, Jongin." Minseok is barely capable of standing up, much less laying a punch on his rival's perfect face. 

Still Jongin laughs. "He won't talk to you. He's way too busy acting like a smug son-of-a-bitch. Come on, let's go for a walk." 

Together they manage to stand up, Minseok paying the tab for both his and Jongin's drinks, and they make for the back entrance. Jongin is handsy when he's drunk, Minseok thinks mindlessly. Or maybe it's not him, and it's actually Minseok's fault. He can't seem to grasp onto anything steady so Jongin is his lifeline. His feet slip, Jongin's arm catching him under the arms as he hefts him back upright. Minseok giggles again. It's just so funny, how they can't walk. So laughable, so delirious. Jongin's eyes when he grits them half-shut, they look like Lu Han's, especially when he smiles.

"Quit staring. You'll make me think you're into me or something," Jongin teases.

 _'Quit staring, you'll make me blush,'_  Lu Han had said.

_'But your eyes. They sparkle. It's cute, didn't you know that?'_

_'You think I'm cute? Minseok, I'm way cuter than cute.'_

"Yeah, you're cute. Can't deny it," Minseok insists, leaning against the body holding him up.

"What?" Jongin's voice. 

"Oops."

He'd let go of Jongin entirely, but there's just something about this particular combination of alcohol and stress that has Minseok's legs giving out. He slumps onto the floor of the deserted hallway, laughing away, and Jongin hunches next to him. 

"You alright there?" 

"Am I alright? Course I am! I'm just drunk, you know, and you're cute."

Somehow, through his hazy vision, Minseok registers something on Jongin's expression, an uncomfortable blush that's quickly obscured by an awkward smile. 

"Alright, that's all I needed to hear to know that you definitely need to get home. Before you start making out with a telephone pole again."

"Hey!" Minseok protests. "That was one time! And to be fair, I thought it was Lu Han." 

"So you'll... make out with anything that looks like Lu Han?" Jongin's voice is just a bit more stuttered than before. 

Minseok hiccups, and he struggles to get his feet back underneath his body while Jongin tries to drag him up. "No..." he persists. "I think a lot of things are cute. Like... bird cages and stuffed animals and... "

Jongin almost drops him again and that shuts Minseok up. Together they do a weird three-and-a-half-footed stroll, and Minseok gets particularly annoyed by a low hanging lightbulb that flickers nonstop as they pass under it. It makes him nauseous. Jongin pauses long enough for Minseok's stomach to settle and then they're off again. He's giggling by the time they reach the back door. The alley at night is cold, and Minseok isn't dressed for it. He clings onto Jongin because of warmth, and also because...

"Minseok, are you crying? Stop crying, what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong!" he sobs. He didn't order tears in his life. He didn't order mental anguish and suffering. He didn't order for his big mouth to get the best of him and chase away the one person he never wanted to leave. "Jongin... where did he go, where did he go..." 

He registers hitting the ground, butt slumped over on the cold concrete, knees askew, Jongin whispering somethings into his ear, maybe to reassure him or get him to calm down, but Minseok hears none of it. He cries and cries, nose blustering, head pounding. Jongin is hugging him. Lu Han is gone, maybe forever, Minseok really doesn't know.

He's not even aware of how long they sit there, but at some point in time he no longer feels like vomiting his guts up and his tears have dried. Jongin still has his arm around his shoulders with Minseok's head tucked under his chin. All of his bones feel like breaking when Minseok finally extricates himself from the cramped, uncomfortable position. He wipes the remains of his tears, uses the napkin Jongin gives him to blow his noise- probably a leftover that was stuffed into his pockets because it smells like cheap paper and Jongin's leather coat. 

"I'm sorry," he says. It's sincere, Minseok realizes with a jolt. He's been an absolutely miserable friend and person to just about everybody in his life, friend or foe, and not only since after Lu Han left. 

"It's okay," Jongin says lightly. "It's okay..."

He's able to stand up, surprised that he no longer feels woozy, no longer feels drunk. Weak, sick, sad, all of that remains, but no longer drunk. Jongin tells him to wait here while he goes to grab a taxi. 

"I'll be here... No, wait. My jacket. I left it inside somewhere." Now Minseok remembers while he feels cold. 

"Are you okay to go get it? I could-"

"No, I'll get it. Get us a taxi, I'll be right out."

Back inside, Minseok is still aggravated at the flickering fluorescent lightbulb, but he has tunnel vision as he stalks down the hallway and re-enters the bar. His jacket isn't on the stool, nor around the immediate area. He has visions of dancing earlier, of screaming in fake delight, of hopping up and down and acting like a fool, of halfway attempting to drag Hani into the bathroom to make out with her, but fortunately someone with better drunk sense than him - Hani herself - stopped him, and he went in alone. 

He goes there now, fairly certain it's where he left his jacket. Actors, singers, blurry faces of people Minseok knows but doesn't particularly like, crowd around him, waving their hellos and welcome back's, and Minseok trudges right through them as jovially as he can pretend to be on a night where he got piss-drunk and smashed and ended up crying over Lu Han in an alleyway onto Jongin's shoulder. He doesn't want anyone to notice his red, ruffled eyes. There's already enough talk about him here; he wasn't so out of it to not notice their whisperings. 

_'Heard even Minseok hasn't talked to him.'_

_'You think they had a fight?'_

_'Bet Minseok wanted to fuck him and that's why he ran away.'_

Laughter and titters and conversations that trailed away whenever Minseok grew close. He hears them all and hears none of it as he pushes open the bathroom door. It creaks out away from him as the room unfolds, hazy lighting only a bit brighter than in the restaurant and bar, but not in any way dark enough to obscure the sight before him. 

He's seen Kyungsoo many times in less than stellar circumstances. Midnight as they sit and wait together for a shoot to start; haggard and tired, about to pass out at the end of a long day of work; sweaty and gross in the dressing room after one of Kyungsoo's and Jongin's concerts - Minseok went to hear Jongin, not Kyungsoo. He's even seen him passed out on a couch in their CEO's building, catching a nap wherever possible, and Minseok had thought then how sweet and innocent Kyungsoo looked when he was asleep. Awake, he looks nothing of the sort except whenever in the presence of fans, and sometimes not even then. Most of the time he's expressionless, and most of the time, that expressionlessness is frightening. Just like it is now, Kyungsoo backed up to the bathroom wall with his pants unbuttoned. His lips are parted, eyes dazed, but otherwise he looks as calm as ever. Calm like he knows exactly what he's doing in life, acting his way up the career ladder, earning exclaim, garnishing praise, fucking the mouth of one of the foremost entertainment-focused chaebol sons in all of Seoul. 

Jongdae is on his hands and knees, choking obscenely around Kyungsoo's cock, and the sight of it pumping in and out of his mouth is enough to make Minseok's stomach churl again. It shouldn't. It shouldn't bother him at all. People have sex all the time. People have oral sex all the time. It's not even the first time he's accidentally happened upon two people going at it like this. The problem is that it's Kyungsoo, Kyungsoo who doesn't even pull away when he realizes they've been seen. Their eyes meet once, and Minseok startles, feet somehow frozen to the ground, but the other's eyes pass right on by as he continues thrusting, deep in and then out, jutting in, and then out. Jongdae splutters and gags, Kyungsoo holds his head in place and then, as Minseok watches, he comes into Jongdae's mouth. Barely a few muscles tighten on his forehead and face. It happens so quick there's no time for Minseok to dash away. His jacket rests across the counter between the sinks, but walking towards it means walking towards them. 

He does it anyways, averting his eyes as Kyungsoo pulls out and stuffs his softening dick back into his pants. Jongdae's face, from the brief glance Minseok sees through the mirror, is a mess. Cum dribbles down his chin and his eyes look blown. Minseok refuses to see more. He grabs his jacket and about-faces as fast as he can. With his hand on the door, Kyungsoo halts him with just a few words.

"We'll be seeing you... Minseok." Then he laughs, and Minseok rushes all the way out of the building and to the awaiting cab.

 

 

 

The two do indeed visit him in the next couple days. Kyungsoo and Jongdae, at his doorstep, looking cool and composed as they stare Minseok down and then step inside, more composed than they should be given what Minseok has seen, or what he could tell. Minseok could end Kyungsoo's career with one phone call to Baekhyun if he so wanted. Instead, the danger comes the other way.

"Look, hyung." Jongdae is awfully informal when he greets the actor. Minseok tries to remember the things he's seen in the man's mouth, but he fails. "I had some thoughts of how we could help each other out." He smiles and it's so reminiscent of Byun Baekhyun-ssi that Minseok feels chilled. 

"I'm not sure I know what you mean," he says. 

Kyungsoo smirks. "Let's get to the chase. Jongdae-ah and I have a proposition to make. You might say it's mutually beneficial to us all. His father is running for high office. We'd like you to come out and support him. You know, make a few appearances, some little contributions. And you know Chanyeol-ssi too, right? His wife has quite the political ambitions. I'm sure they wouldn't mind coming along aside a man like Mr. Kim if they could just be persuaded."

It goes on and on, the favors they want out of Minseok, of Jongin too if he can get him, of Junmyeon as well, and it makes no sense how they feel Minseok should do this when he's the one who saw them. He says as much, politely, indignantly.

"Oh no, Minseok-ssi," says Jongdae with a little laugh. "You didn't see you anything that could ruin either me or Kyungsoo, not when it's my family or my word against yours, and definitely not," he laughs again when Minseok starts to protest, "when it was us, who several weeks ago made out in that room right there next to yours... while Luhan was fucking you. Or was it the other way around? It was hard to tell actually from all the screaming that followed. And not of pleasure either."

"Hyung," Kyungsoo smirks, while Minseok's gut fills with dread. "You do have a biting tongue on you.  _Brutal_ , some of those things you said. It's no wonder Luhan-ssi wanted away from that..."

 

 

 

 

_Four Days Ago_

 

"Luhan! Thank goodness you called. We've been worried- where are you- Luhan, the reporters have been camped outside everywhere we've been, what happened?!"

"I'm... fine, mom. Look, I'm just fine. Tell dad I'm okay-"

"Whatever happened just come home, okay? We'll tell the reporters to go away. We can fix this-"

"No, no, mom. I want to be on my own for a little while."

"But, Luhan... please?"

"No... mom."

"They said you were in a car wreck..."

"Mom, don't cry. Please. I'm fine. It wasn't that big a deal."

"But you won't come home, so that means it must be. Luhan, please, let us help. I don't care who or what. I just want you home and safe. Did you not like the upcoming movie project. We'll cancel it. Turn everyone down-"

"That, that would be good."

"And whenever you want, your dad can call them back and-"

"No, mom. I'm done... I'm done with all that, now."

"What? What are you saying. Luhan, just come home and we can talk about this. Where are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm living on my own for a little while. Don't worry about me, please."

"Living where though?! Are you okay? Were you hurt from the accident?"

"No, mom. Body is fine. I told you it wasn't a big accident."

"Then why won't you come home?!"

"I... I just need some time by myself, okay? Okay, mom? I love you. I love you and dad. I'll call sometime soon, alright?"

"No... Luhan, don't hang up-"

"Bye, mom."

"Luhan... Luhan...?"

 


	3. Chapter 3

K-Stars Media Coverage:

_[Exclusive Report] Six months since the disappearance of Chinese star actor Lu Han, shocking new discoveries have come to light! Private sources close to the actor have reached out to reporters with the news of a secret contractual dispute with Lu Han's South Korean agency, KHC. KHC, headed up by CEO Kim Heechul, is also famously known for housing actor Kim Minseok, Lu Han's most recent co-star, and the idol duo Exodus. Both Kim Minseok and Do Kyungsoo of Exodus were recently given drama and movie roles above and beyond their experience, presumably prompting the fight between Lu Han and his Beijing backers with KHC. What a shame for those who love entertainment everywhere that such a falling-out has occurred. Lu Han, after his car accident (ongoing stress from fighting the CEO or perhaps one of his co-stars?), was last seen in the public eye returning to Beijing in June. The Chinese media reports that Lu Han is now residing with family there, and they are eagerly awaiting his return to the big screen._

Minseok throws the magazine down on the desk and scoffs. He doesn't even know what to think. After six months of this, the only relief he has is that it's not Byun Baekhyun spreading these lies.  _That_ reporter's most recent exclusive was posted just last week, an ongoing series of interviews Minseok grants him about the progress of his latest movie. Juicy tidbits of actors' gossip, a lexicon of who's who in the movie world. Minseok gives him just enough for the reporter to run the stories with a great deal of elaboration, and in return he doesn't mention Lu Han except in the past tense. Unfortunately, it doesn't stop other reporters from writing about it. 

A hand reaches across the desk, delicate and bejeweled with silver rings and bracelets. Hani picks up the magazine he dropped and peruses the title summary. 

"Interesting," she hums a minute later, flipping through the pages in search of more. "Any of this true?"

"Not a lick," says Minseok. "H-He was never represented by KHC. Where did this idiot get that from? Sources close to... him? Like who." 

It doesn't escape Hani that Minseok can't even say his name. He avoids her stern look and she goes back to perusing the magazine, pausing on an advertisement for a makeup brand she'd never deign to wear, but it's more exciting than the exclusive report. 

The closest anyone has gotten yet is that Lu Han's car wreck was caused by stress from a fight. They just haven't pieced together the 'with who' and 'why'. One morning, Minseok supposes he'll wake up peacefully having  _not_  had nightmares about the contents of that fight. But that also hasn't happened yet. It haunts him now, and probably will always until he dies.

"You're looking very dramatic right now, Minseok."

"Astute as ever," he replies. Yet Hani's words tend to have a nicely sobering effect. He smiles at her across the desk and receives hers in return. "What are your plans for today?" Minseok asks.

Hani shrugs. "Now that I've cheered you up, nothing... except a hair appointment, a clothes fitting, and a photoshoot that shouldn't last more than five or six hours. After that, an interview, then practicing for the group's comeback - we should be getting new choreography this week. I suppose somewhere in there I should eat, but I probably won't have time. Oh," she holds up a steady finger, "and I shall need to buy your long suffering manager some flowers, in apology for the headache he'll no doubt receive denying the reports that  _I_  - lowly idol celebrity that I am - was seen in the holy neighborhood of the most esteemed Kim Minseok-ssi." She purses her lips seriously and narrows her eyes.

Minseok laughs.

"Junmyeon likes lilies. Shall I text you his home address?"

"Please do. Shall I make them a somber white, or does he prefer color?" 

"Oh, color, please. I haven't killed him yet."

" _Yet_ , but no doubt you're still trying your best." 

She says it lightly, but both of their minds go back automatically to five months ago, when Minseok slipped his passport right out from behind Junmyeon's back and took a midnight flight to Beijing. His manager only caught up to him a week later, Minseok sobbing his eyes out and drunk in a cheap hotel room. And for all his pains, then and later, he still couldn't find Lu Han. 

The actor wasn't living with his family, at least that much was for certain. 

Minseok holds his breath and then catches Hani's glance. 

"Thank you for coming, Hani."

She softens and smiles. "Thank you for the coffee. I'll see you later, alright?"

A lingering hand on his shoulder, pressing down lightly, is all she leaves him with. In vain, Minseok tries to remember how Lu Han used to look at him, how Jongin sometimes looks at him. How Minseok used to look at Lu Han. Instead, his eyes flicker out of focus and he listens to the sound of Hani's footsteps as they echo through the apartment, a few clacks of her heels when she slips them on in the doorway, and then she is gone. Only the recently used shower and extra creases on Minseok's bed can testify that she was here. 

Poor Junmyeon, if anyone caught her. Minseok himself doesn't seem to care. 

The critics for Minseok's movie don't seem to like him. At first, the reviews cautiously rebuked the script and direction, and Minseok would have to agree with them. The script was just decent, but nothing worthwhile. For a political thriller that tried to be an action movie, and then threw in a romance, even the cast didn't seem satisfied playing along. ["Did Choi Minho try too hard to out-do himself?"] all the initial reviews seemed to ask. The answer was yes, but it was also more than that. 

Minseok hated it. Stalking around stoically,  _acting_. Romancing Im Yoona on screen when every time he closed his eyes he pictured someone else. It showed, unfortunately, how much he didn't want to be there. And the critics next turned the blame on him. 

"It's just one f-lop. Look Mr. Smit, by the time... my client got the...s-cript it was al-ready a mess. Give us... one chance more. Please? Dank you so much."

Minseok tries not to cringe at his manager's English, but it's still better than his own. And truly, Junmyeon looks too frazzled for Minseok to try to mess with him. He hangs up the phone and sighs long and loud. 

"Who was that?" Minseok asks. 

"American colleague of the CEO-nim. He's working with an international production company here. I was trying to get you a bit part at least. But..."

"But, he's not too pleased with my latest track record," Minseok confirms.

Junmyeon reluctantly nods. "I'd thought... after  _The Pearl_ , you know... but no actor has a sparkling resume. We just need to pick your next role wisely."

And my co-star, Minseok thinks.

There are some days where he manages to live free from his emotional turmoil. Where Minseok the actor can shut down Minseok the man and get on with his job, his tasks, the business of making money, or existing. A year now though, a year without Lu Han, and some days Minseok still feels it like it was yesterday. Will a year become two, or three. Or ten? Has Lu Han just been hiding all this time? Has he given up the celebrity dream? What if the reason no one has spotted him is because he retired to a farm somewhere to raise chickens. Maybe that's the reason his family won't ever comment on it, even though every time those business moguls appear at an event, some up-and-coming reporter tries to ask. ["Lu Family still denies knowing the whereabouts of their long-estranged son. Insist he's fine and well, but offer no support to prove these claims." This has been an exclusive interview from the Beijing Daily...]

"I got another bouquet of flowers yesterday from your girlfriend," Junmyeon interrupts with a small chuckle.

Minseok is about to deny that they are dating, but saves himself the trouble. The difference between dating, having a friend, and having sex with said friend, would probably be lost on his manager. "What color this time?" he asks instead. 

"Lavender, and quite lovely. You know, if I didn't know any better, I'd think Hani was courting me instead of sleeping with you." He continues to chuckle, the kind that masks his inner dislike of having to deal with all things distasteful, like the growing rumors of Minseok and Hani's involvement. 

"I'm sorry," Minseok says. "We'll try to be more discrete in the future."

Junmyeon rubs his eyebrow into a fury. "Oh, please don't do it on account of me. I'm just worried about your career, that's all.  _And_  hers, to be very honest."

Minseok mimics him into a moment of silence. Then his phone buzzes and he quickly reads off the text. Junmyeon raises his eyebrow as Minseok pockets it away. "Anyone special?"

"Just Jongin. You really don't like the color lavender, do you? I'll tell Hani to get you yellow next time." He pats his manager on the arm good-naturedly as he gets up. 

"Bless you, Minseok. Can you tell her pale yellow, please? It's less of a strain on my eyes. By the way, before you go, I wanted to warn you: I was harassed by Baekhyun earlier this morning. Who knows what he wants now, but it's probably in your best interest to speak to the man."

"Oh?" 

"Yeah. He mentioned Hani's name with a peculiar twist, so unless you want everything about you two blasted to the high heavens, please... do yourself a favor and throw someone else under the bus? Preferably not me?"

"I'll try, Junmyeon. I'll try."

He leave the manager's office with a bit more spright to his step. Until he hears Junmyeon moaning to himself about how on earth Minseok managed to be more discreet when he was with Lu Han than he is with Hani. 

Something twists again in the pit of Minseok's stomach. He answers that bitterly as he walks down the hall. 'It's because no one expects that sort of thing with two men.  _The horror_.' No one is around of course to hear him. Least of all the last person he used to be able to joke with. 

Baekhyun finds him right at the worst time: when Minseok is sitting down to lunch with Jongin. They're in a cafe two blocks away, Minseok finally starting to feel a little lighter. Fresh freezing air doesn't cure every ailment, but it at least makes him feel like he can breathe. 

"Hyung, you got my text!" Jongin says pleasantly when he sits down. "How are you-"

"Oh look, my two favorite friends!" Baekhyun interrupts. He takes the third seat at their table and positively beams across at them. "Kim Jongin-ssi. Kim Minseok- _ssi._ How are you two doing on this lovely winter day?"

"Uhhh," says Jongin. 

Minseok is quick to divert his displeasure. Baekhyun is someone to be dealt with delicately, he's learned from working with him over the past year. "Baekhyun-ah, what brings you to this part of our neighborhood?" He pops his lips and tilts his head.

Baekhyun requires delicacy, but he also savors a flirty kind of flattery. Apparently Minseok surprises him more than abnormally well. The reporter takes a moment to recover, fingers arched over his heart as he clucks with approval. 

"Careful, Minseok-ssi, but at this rate you'll definitely win the race to capture my heart." Then he drops the smarm and their game begins in earnest. "I heard a little birdie this week. Two actually. Oh I'm sorry by the way, if I'm interrupting your lunch. Jongin-ssi, you'll forgive me, won't you? But I'm afraid it's rather an urgent matter for Minseok here."

They all smile at each other politely while the waiter takes their order and retreats. 

"I hope you don't have any secrets between you," Baekhyun looks back and forth between Minseok and Jongin, "or should we talk later over dessert?"

Minseok nods, indicating that he should say it now. Between him and Jongin, their secrets aren't spoken out loud, but their friendship is such that they don't hide anything. Except the fact that Jongin is a little bit enamored with Minseok, but that's a whole different issue. 

"I have two letters for you, Minseok-ssi: One's a very lovely letter 'L', the other is a beautiful 'H' and contrary to popular opinion, there's only  _one_  syllable attached to that second letter, and  _I_  think you'd like to know more about where to find it."

Minseok drops his coffee spoon into the cup. It lands with a clank and a few droplets of hot liquid splash his fingertips. Jongin goes still on the other side of the table, but Baekhyun just smiles away. "You're interested, aren't you?" 

When he doesn't answer, Jongin nudges him under the table. Minseok feels his foot tapping against his own, warning him no, but he can't deny he wants to know. He needs to know. How can he describe to Jongin that regardless of Baekhyun being a royal asshole when it comes to hounding celebrities for their secrets, that with a subject as important as this, Minseok rather trusts him. If anyone, if anything, Baekhyun would be the person who would know. 

There's only one problem standing in the way of payment. The strongest thing Minseok knows comparable to knowing Lu Han's whereabouts affects not only his career, but Jongin's as well. 

He's stayed quiet about Kyungsoo and Jongdae for for a whole year, for fear of them tattling back. But for something as momentous as this, he's personally inclined to - as Junmyeon puts it - throw them under the bus. Minseok's whole career, everything he dreamed of as a child, his parents’ tireless devotion to give him the education and acting lessons that helped Minseok to where he is today. Even Junmyeon's sad resignation, Minseok would almost put on the line. Almost. It irks him that he's not the only person he can think about. Jongin's idol career and even Hani's if this backfires would be seriously jeopardized.

"I need to talk to some people first. Can we meet on Sunday? Same time. Here?" Minseok begs to be given a few more days.

"Sunday, same time. I can do that. See you soon, Minseok-ssi. And enjoy your lunch. Gentleman, have a good afternoon."

 

 

On Saturday evening, Minseok dresses himself up nice, methodically checking the length of his pressed sleeves and the stiff collared-shirt around his neck. He combs his bangs down evenly one last time and grabs his suit jacket off the hanger. On top of that he adds his knee length peacoat and bright red scarf for color.

If he’s going to attend a formal dinner party, one of many being held this season by the upper crust of winter socialites, then he needs to look the part. 

Jongin is dressed similarly when he stops by his apartment complex, honking the horn once before his friend slips into the passenger seat. 

“Are we off?” he asks.

Minseok looks at him and smirks. “With that hat? Are you sure?”

Jongin blinks a few times, and then looks up with his eyes where the cotton-tipped end of his santa hat drags above his eyebrow. It’s artless, how Jongin treats it like something normal, as if all men in dress suits affected santa hats for parties like this. It’s probably not even the worst Minseok will see tonight.

“You mean you didn’t bring _your_  santa hat?” Jongin clucks at him shamefully.

Minseok huffs and puts the car into drive instead of answering. 

He has a scheme to play tonight, one he’s rather proud of, and it’s not even quite so underhanded as it could have been. At least most of the stories he’s going to tell are true. Three-quarters at least. Enough kernels of truth to properly shield Minseok’s name, and Jongin and Kyungsoo’s too, while earning Minseok the tip he wants.

“So,” says Jongin, drumming his hands on his knees nervously. “Are you still planning…?”

“Yep.”

He hasn’t told Jongin exactly everything, but enough that will hopefully keep the idol/dancer from worrying too much about the name and reputation of  _Exodus_. Kyungsoo sure knew what he was doing by blackmailing Minseok into keeping everything silent, because Jongin is Minseok’s best friend and he’d never do anything to let him down. 

Even now.

“I guess I just don’t understand what Park Sandara has to do with this,” Jongin asks as they pull up towards the valet parking. 

“Nothing really, except that I need to borrow her name to get Chanyeol to listen to me.”

“But you said nothing happened that night you took her home, right? Just that she was drunk…”

“At a club,” Minseok finishes. “And lost her designated driver.”

“So you took her home like a gentleman. But Chanyeol was there that night, and nothing happened, so why would he help you out over something like this?”

Minseok sighs as the vehicle stops by the curb. In a few seconds a valet will be around to take his keys, and then the night begins in earnest. 

“Jongin, I know, and Chanyeol knows, that his wife wouldn’t try to make out with me in the back of a dark vehicle, drunk or not drunk. But if the press heard even half of that story, there’s nothing to stop them creating a story out of nothing.”

The catch is, the press doesn’t know about it. And they’re unlikely to ever hear about it, because Minseok isn’t going to tell them. 

Half an hour later though, when he asks Chanyeol to step outside on the balcony of the man’s penthouse apartment, he sings a different tune.

“Chanyeol, I’m really worried. A reporter started following me this week, and somehow he got wind of that evening when I drove Dara home. Remember?”

He doesn’t know the man too well. They run in distinctly different circles most of the time, and usually Park Chanyeol is either drunk at parties or else busy making money by ordering people around his company. They’ve rubbed shoulders enough times though to make this work. 

“I… remember, yeah? How did… how did they find out?”

“I don’t know,” Minseok lies. “I’m just worried they’re going to publish the story, and it won’t matter if it’s not the truth.”

He watches wrinkles form across Chanyeol’s forehead, worry already ingrained at the thought of his precious, and honestly faithful, wife’s name being bandied about the scandal reports. 

“What can I do? Money? Can I buy them off?” 

In the front of Minseok’s mind, he regrets upsetting Chanyeol over something that will never happen anyways. But in the back of his mind, only Lu Han is there. 

“Not sure money will do the trick. I tried that already. But… I think I know of something else that will work. If we can distract the reporter with another story?”

Minseok looks back through the frosty glass dividing him and Chanyeol from the rest of the Park’s guests tonight. Dara is playing the host splendidly, regaling one story after another while people raise their champagne glasses and toast to the season. Jongin is scouting out the buffet tables, his own troubles furrowed on his brow. Conspicuously absent from the party of celebrities and rich socialites is Kim Jongdae, whose father’s company esteems itself as the rival to Park Chanyeol’s. 

“If you take this tip for me, to a reporter by the name of Byun Baekhyun, I’m pretty sure he’ll accept it in exchange for the other story. And that way, neither you, nor I, nor your wife will ever be involved.” 

Minseok leans over the railing, snow flurries catching in his hair. 

Chanyeol gasps but then fall silent, and Minseok knows he’s got this one in the bag.

“Why me?”

“Because I need there to be nothing that trails back to me. It’s… something I found out the hard way, and my lips are sealed from revealing it. You, on the other hand, I know can be resourceful with your methods of delivery.”

“What’s the tip then?” Chanyeol whispers. And Minseok smiles.

 

 

 

By the time the articles are unleashed on the world, Minseok is already slinking off to the airport with his passport in hand, a slip of paper in his back pocket with a handwritten address to a suburb in Beijing. Baekhyun, when he met him for Sunday lunch, was already hard at work with his new story, and entirely grateful to Minseok for sending it his way. 

[“Breaking Scandal Report!” Heir to Kim Enterprises Kim Jongdae revealed to be secretly dating idol ‘D’ but what’s more shocking is that ‘D’ is said to be male! … Sources close to the heir however, are already decrying these accusations as the work of a rival company to discredit Kim Enterprises. Is this the start of the another round of business warfare, and what is the identity of idol ‘D’? This exclusive brought to you by Byun Baekhyun…”]

 

 

 

 

The closest Minseok gets is seeing Lu Han’s face in profile, behind the curtain of an unassuming ground floor apartment in a neighborhood where Lu Han would never otherwise belong.

He knocks on the door, heart thudding in his chest, every nerve on end. He swallows heavily and holds his breath. No one answers the door.

Minseok knocks again, a little harder this time, more rapidly. Still no answer, and Minseok is forced to exhale slowly and try again. Breathing gets harder the longer he stands there.

“Lu Han?” He asks through the door. He swears he hears footsteps from inside, something muffled, a figure retreating back. A lock slipping into place and more silence.

“Lu Han? Please… are you home? It’s… it’s me.”

But Lu Han doesn’t answer, doesn’t return to the door, doesn’t open it or let Minseok in. To do what, Minseok doesn’t know. He envisaged a whole string of apologies, dialogue, things to say, things to do, like cry, or kneel down penitent. Touch him at least, just a touch. To assure himself that Lu Han’s still alive, still there, whether he belongs with Minseok or not.

But Lu Han never gives him the chance…

Minutes go by. Half an hour. An hour, then two.

Minseok bangs on the door and cries. The crumpled paper with address falls from his hand. He walks back and forth from the door to the front window, but the lights have gone off inside the room. The neighbors’ lights come on instead.

People are yelling at him, shouting at him, and once upon a time Minseok knew enough Mandarin from Lu Han that he might know what they said. Probably telling him to shut up, to quit wailing.

Every word though, every shout, hits his soul and bounces off. He can’t hear, can’t see through his tears, his pleas.

“Open up, please, Lu Han. Pleeassseee, let me explain. I just want to apologizeee!”

But the door remains shut, and the lights stay off.

He sits on the doorstep, sits on a garden bench, pacing around and continuing to knock. He realizes later, there was an alleyway and a backdoor, and Lu Han wouldn’t have stayed long enough to even hear the things Minseok tries to explain. He’d been talking to a door, to the neighbors, for hours.

“Lu Han… please…” he's still crying, sunk before the door, willing him to come back, to listen to him, to hug him. But Lu Han never does.

Strong hands pull him away before the night turns dark. Minseok whirls around, body flailing. He’s about to get arrested by the Chinese police for who knows what - but it’s probably deserved.

“I’m goinggg!” he shrieks. “I’m going!!”

But the tall, muscular body holds him in place and finally Minseok gets a look at his face. A stranger, but somehow familiar.

“Who are you?” he says through his tears.

“You’re Minseok, right?”

“Y-Yes… Who are you?” he blubbers, realizing only a moment later that if the man knew his name, if he came for him, then Lu Han must have sent him here.

“My name’s Yifan. I’m a friend of…  Look, you need to go home. He doesn’t want to see you.”

“So he was here… Why can’t I see him?”

“He’s gone now. And as long as you’re here, he’s not coming back. Please… I don’t want to make this anymore awkward than it is, but… go home. Go back to Korea. He doesn’t want to see you. He’s better now. Happy. Let him just… stay that way, please? For Lu Han? For both your sakes?”

  
  


Two days later, when Minseok opens the door of his once again cheap hotel room in the discrete part of Beijing, it’s not Junmyeon come to fetch him.

Hani envelops him in her arms and lets him cry, and when he’s finally recovered enough to clean himself up, she escorts him to the airport and sits by him on the plane, not even minding that the news stories the next day will be all about Kim Minseok and Ahn Hani’s overseas weekend date.

 

 

 

 

 

_“You ready to try this?”_

_Lu Han’s voice, when he asked it sounded so sweet, but so uncertain._

_“I suppose so, y-yeah,” Minseok stuttered. He wasn’t much better. His nerves were shot, his mind wrecked. In two days’ time according to the filming schedule, they needed to do this, or something very like it, in front of the camera. And neither Minseok nor Lu Han had ever kissed a man._

_Awkward, is how Minseok remembered it. The first press of their lips, chapped and chaste. They didn’t use their hands, and no other part of their bodies touched. Minseok had turned on his kitchen light as bright as it would go to simulate the setting, but that only made the practice round more difficult. It wasn’t romantic, and maybe that was the problem. Because Minseok wouldn’t have minded this being more romantic._

_Lu Han removed his lips before he did. He stood upright, their heads moving apart. He laughed, and Minseok thought the noise infectious. He couldn’t help reciprocate it a little too._

_“Well that was…”_

_“A first for me,” said Lu Han. He smiled sheepishly, and Minseok hoped this wouldn’t be it. He wanted to try it again, and again, until it felt right._

_He shook his head and tried not to appear too eager. “Feels strange.”_

_Lu Han quickly agreed. “I know. I’ve had to do this a couple times for acting lessons and other small parts back in China, but it was always with women.”_

_“Same.”_

_They dropped their gazes, and Minseok peered intently at the first button of Lu Han’s shirt, for lack of anywhere better. Inside his chest he swore he could feel the start of a small rumbling. More than just nerves, it was attraction, plain and clear. And he didn’t know how Lu Han would feel about that, if he decided to tell him._

_“Let’s try again.”_

_In the end, it was Lu Han’s suggestion. Keep kissing until they felt comfortable. Keep kissing until they knew they could do it right. At first it was easy to laugh off their feeble attempts under the guise of their already growing camaraderie. But after the fifth time, the sixth, the seventh and a few glasses of wine, somehow the scales became tipped._

_“This wretched light, it’s giving me a headache,” said Lu Han, his eyes shadowed, his lips just a bit marked up from Minseok’s tongue and teeth. His hand was on Minseok’s waist, chin jutting against Minseok’s nose and his breathing more rapid than when they first started out._

_“Yeah, it’s making me dizzy. Must be the flicker,” Minseok replied huskily._

_Neither one of them cared about the lighting. But when they took their ‘practice’ to the darkness, to Minseok’s bed, their fate was set._

  


“Daddy, daddy! Wake up!”

Minseok groans and rolls over. The other side of the bed is empty, but a small child is already crawling into the space. He wrenches his eyes shut comically and tries to pull up the blanket. It’s true that he’d like to fall back asleep but then, this is and has for the last couple years, been his fallback wake-up plan.

A giggle and a screech later, the little boy is pulling down the comforter while Minseok grabs him and pulls him down.

“Dadddddy!” Another muffled set of giggles. Minseok wrestles the three-year old into a hug and pretends to go back to sleep. Until he gets an elbow in his rib. He releases him a few seconds later, yawns and drags himself off the side of the bed. By the time his feet hit the ground, Jinwoo has already climbed out the other side and run around to greet him.

“What’s up, kiddo.” Minseok fondles the boy’s messy hair. Jinwoo shrieks and throws his hands up to fend off the attack, but then he grins and starts telling Minseok everything he ate for breakfast already, including two bowls of cold soup and rice and some candy. At the mention of the last word, he panics and looks guilty.

Minseok tries to look stern, but as soon as Jinwoo turns to run away, he smiles.

He emerges from the bathroom a few minutes later. Jinwoo is still bouncing around the living room, but his five year old daughter eats solemnly still at the table.

“Where’s your mom?” he asks her.

“She left an hour ago, daddy.” She stares up at him with small eyes while she shoves a spoonful of rice into her mouth, then smiles prettily when he pats her head too. Moonbyul just started preschool this last year, and she’s still by every right Minseok’s baby girl. Except she looks and acts like a prissy young lady, and Minseok adores her.

“You’ve done a good job babysitting then?” he teases her.

“Of course! Eomma said I had to. But then you wouldn’t wake up!” She points a nagging finger at her father and Minseok pretends to look chastised. Still, he confiscates the bag of candies Jinwoo left laying around and puts them up somewhere high in the kitchen. Who knows where the kids found it, but Minseok’s smart enough not to risk angering his wife by his lackadaisical parenting. Hani is a good mom and a good wife, but they get into enough disagreements that Minseok doesn’t want to add something so petty to the roster.

They’ve been married six years now. Not quite a powerhouse celebrity couple, but they’ve made it work despite the initial uproar, and now they have two beautiful children. It’s not the life Minseok would have chosen years and years ago, but he wouldn’t take back a second of it. Hani, and then Moonbyul and Jinwoo, have changed his life. He’d do anything for his kids now that they’ve refilled his heart. It’s a rare morning that he doesn’t wake up to one or the other pouncing on his bed, although more and more frequently Hani has already left.

What is rare are the times when Minseok wakes up from his dreams. Not just any dreams, but the old dreams.

Lu Han has become part of the past, part of another life, an older life; an older, different Minseok. He doesn’t have time very often to get lost in the dregs of the past, but sometimes… he still does. And it still hurts.

  
  
  


Minseok blinks hard and stares at the packet before him. Junmyeon drums his fingers nervously across the desk and waits for it to sink in. By the time Minseok lays it flat on the desk and meets his eyes, Junmyeon smiles apologetically.

“This is the figure we asked for?”

Junmyeon changes his smile into a full grimace. “No… it’s not. And Minseok, I did everything I could to finagle the one you have in front of you, but this is a fact I’m afraid we can’t get around…”

Minseok sighs, a little dejected, already a little resigned.

The estimated contract for his upcoming movie role is 20,000W less than they wanted.

“Minseok, I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” he replies quickly.

And it’s not, truly. Junmyeon is no more at fault for Minseok’s flagging popularity than the movie directors are at wanting him there. He’s not worth the price, and that’s just it. It’s been ten years since _The Pear_ l and Minseok has still never topped the fame he had back then. Part of that was bad luck, a few bad picks, a few good picks that flopped for no fault of Minseok or his managing agency. And if that was only it, Minseok might be able to sleep better at night.

He knows it’s not though. He reads the articles about him and his performances. He reads the critics’ reviews. Minseok’s star status peaked ten years ago. Now he’s thirty-six, married, and has a decent line of decent work under his belt, but nothing that screams ‘actor aging well!’

“I’m not even going to ask what Kyungsoo’s getting in his next role.”

Minseok can’t keep the bitterness out of his voice, even though it has nothing to do with himself.

Junmyeon shrugs. “Can’t answer that. Try Jongin if you really want to know. I heard they hung out a few times last month.”

“I don’t need to know,” Minseok sighs. However, his manager’s words make him frown inside.

Exodus broke up over four years ago, when it was became clear Do Kyungsoo’s worth was more inline with acting than singing. Jongin got the shorter end of the stick of course, but he still eeks out a living in the company as a choreographer and coach to the younger talent, and he still makes the occasional round of variety appearances to keep his name alive. He still shows up on the inside cover of fashion shoots a few times a year and he’s still Minseok’s gym buddy and friend.

In some ways, Jongin is doing better with his mediocre career than Minseok.

“Jongin and Kyungsoo though? Really?”

Junmyeon looks at him, a little sharper this time. “Yes? What’s your point. You know it’s good company policy for them to be seen together, even now. They're having a reunion interview next week. In fact... that reminds me of something...” Junmyeon trails off, his mind already a million miles away.

It’s Minseok’s turn to shrug. He takes up the contract again, reviews the figures and signs in the line where x marks the spot. Junmyeon will take care of the rest; Minseok just needs to wait for the script to arrive.

 

 

 

 

 

Incidentally, he finds himself standing behind the camera crew a week later, waiting for his cameo appearance in the hyped Exodus interview spot.

They look so silly, Minseok thinks. Jongin, or rather Kai as he’s called onstage, and Kyungsoo, with their hairstyles slicked up like the old days. Both are sporting replica matching outfits that harken back to their heyday in the idol profession.

Minseok catches Jongin’s eye a couple times and smiles; Jongin makes no overt reply, but the way his eyes dance around wouldn’t alert anyone watching except Minseok, and maybe the crew. Kyungsoo doesn’t even glance his way, but that’s nothing new.

‘It’s been four years since your final album,’ the MC announces with a chatty, exaggerated voice, ‘Tell us, are there any old memories that you particularly miss? Any chance for a five-year reunion comeback to thank the fans?’

Minseok tunes it out, only vaguely listening to Do Kyungsoo-ssi’s rehearsed speech how they have nothing planned right now, but that he misses singing and dancing with his Kai-dongsaeng _so much._

He always speaks first, and he always speaks for Kai. That’s just part of the role-playing. ‘Kai’ blushes prettily on camera and quips in with a few stories of Kyungsoo-hyung and the times they shared. The way they touch and lean on each other is all fake, but the fans love it, and Minseok rolls his eyes, thankful that he was never specifically typecast this way. He only has to make out and occasionally have sex with his co-stars, but at least movie and television watchers never went beyond the 'art' of those scenes. They never shipped him with anybody. Well, except for once.

A staff member touches his arm gently and Minseok looks back up at the stage. The MC is already beginning his introduction, introducing labelmate actor Kim Minseok-ssi, who is ‘well known for his friendship to Kai and Kyungsoo’, as if Minseok just happened to be on the set. As if Minseok wasn’t prompted to be here or else because, it’ll help his career to be seen next to Kyungsoo, you can thank Jongin for this blessed connection.

If he could be anywhere else, he would be. Instead, Minseok gets to smile for the camera and hug both Jongin and Kyungsoo - the latter a mite too stiff to portray true, genuine friendship - and sit down between them for three and a half minutes of screen time.

The only thing that sustains him is Jongin’s hand secretly applying pressure to his thigh, because Jongin knows he doesn’t want to be here.

‘Ahhh, it’s been so long since I’ve gotten to see these two. We were really close, back when we were were younger.’ He nods his head, bouncing a little to express his _joy_.

‘I heard once upon a time, CEO-nim thought of making Exodus a trio!’ the MC states with the perfect clarity of a lie, handfed to him by their company. ‘Now wouldn’t that have been amazing. The three of you performing together instead of being just friends.’

Minseok waves his hands and feins shyness. ‘No, no, really. That was a long time ago, and I’m really glad to be where I am now, and that my friends had such a great run as a duo. No one needed to see me trying to dance, really, it wasn’t good.’ He laughs and hams it up, continuing the farce, and he succeeds in making the MC laugh as well and make up comments about how he’s sure Minseok was just as good. But then the interview takes a shift.

‘Minseok-ssi, it’s true it would be have been a fabulous trio, but you were always for acting, am I right? The Pearl, wasn’t that your first hit?’

And last, but nobody mentions that.

Minseok smiles and agrees, but his stomach is already curling up in knots. Jongin’s hand on his thigh weighs heavier in support, and Minseok is grateful, but Kyungsoo’s elbow is now prodding him uncomfortably in the ribs.

‘Now those were days,’ says the MC dreamily, and Minseok wonders if this isn’t just a ploy for the ratings. Whether they wanted to drag Minseok on just for the mention of that movie, and his very famous, very lost, co-star. ‘Lu Han, you know we all followed the stories for years, but I suppose you never really heard from him after that?’

Again, Minseok swallows down his unease, the desire to throw up right here and now because he can’t believe he got roped into appearing “for Jongin’s sake” just to be thrown under the bus for this.

‘No, I never did.’

At least the interview moves on after that. They make mention of his famous wife, Hani, herself an MC on another station. They ask preordained questions about how old their kids are now, and if they have any desire to go into the entertainment field - Minseok hopes they aren’t, but he doesn’t say that - and then Minseok is excused, his part over while the filming goes on. More stories and drug-up memories, more guest cameos, including singer-songwriter Yixing, who wrote several of the duo’s more famous songs. Minseok passes him in the hall on his way to find fresh air; he thinks Yixing said hello but Minseok hears none of it.

 

  


“Hyung? Are you alright?”

Jongin finds him an hour later, still on the premises, but high up on the rooftop where Minseok likes to peer down at the city below. He’s filmed a couple variety shows here in the past ten years, including an appearance with Hani before they were married, when their dating scandal was still fresh and their bosses forced them together to get the public used to their relationship. She was frightfully beautiful and austere, and Minseok was very much enamored. He still is, but with parenthood and their careers, and the weight on his shoulders, he feels too much like they’re growing apart.

“Hyung?”

Minseok turns around. “Jongin. How’d the rest of the interview go?”

“It was fine. I didn’t think you’d still be around actually.”

“But you knew where to find me?” He puffs up his cheeks and teases the other.

Jongin grins sheepishly. “Yixing said he saw you coming this way. I took a guess maybe you were still up here.”

“Yeah.” Minseok doesn’t know what more to say. He lets the wind do the talking, squinting his eyes in the midday light. The sky is overcast, but still too glaring to be comfortable. He can’t remember why he came up here now, other than the need to be alone for a few minutes at least.

“Kyungsoo-hyung still really hates you, doesn’t he?” says Jongin softly. He rests his elbows on the railing beside Minseok and follows Minseok’s gaze.

“I screwed up his love life and Jongdae never dared to be seen next to him again. Why wouldn’t he hate me?”

“He doesn’t know for sure though it was you.”

“No, but that doesn’t mean much of anything. Even if he knew for sure that it was me who told Chanyeol, I didn’t mention Kyungsoo’s name, and if he retaliated, I still could and then we’d both go down. As it is though, Jongin, there was never any love between me and Kyungsoo. No point worrying about it anyways.”

Jongin hums and angles his face away. Minseok has the distinct impression there’s something else he wants to say. However, Jongin keeps his silence for a while longer. They go down together once Jongin says he’s cold, parting in opposite directions to retrieve their things from their separate dressing rooms. Minseok meets Yixing again, and this time he nods to the musician and returns his greetings.

“It was good to see you again. You look well, Minseok-hyung.”

“Thanks, and you.”

As they jockey for hallway right-of-way, each moving in the same direction, and then the other, Yixing has to stop still and chuckle. Minseok apologizes, grinning as well. He holds out his arms to grant Yixing passage, but as the musician seeks to pass him, Minseok clears his throat, a sudden thought building up to the tip of his tongue.

Yixing notices it, and he stops too. He crooks his smile and tilts his head. Minseok opens and closes his mouth a few times, and finally squeaks out the question. “Yixing… you… you really never heard anything from Lu Han? Where he went? Why, why he disappeared like that?”

If Yixing is startled by the question, he hides it well. He shakes his head after only a moment’s hesitation and says, “I’m sorry, hyung. I really don’t.”

So Minseok nods sternly, and moves on.

  
  
  
  
  


The kids are asleep by the time Hani comes home. Minseok hears her, hears the kick of her shoes as they slide across the doorway, the thump of her purse where she leaves it on the sidebar. Her coat, sweater, and scarves will end up on the back of a dining room chair before she makes it to their bedroom, where Minseok is sitting, staring out through the balcony door window.

“Hey,” she says softly, as if it’ll scare him.

He doesn’t turn around to look, but he places his glass of mostly untouched scotch on the coaster beside the bed and waits for her to approach. Two delicate, manicured hands massage his shoulders before sliding down the front of his chest. Then a kiss beside his ear, and her hair tickles his neck. He shivers and turns to greet her. Lips press gently against his. She tastes like coffee, his favorite flavor, but apart from the aroma he feels nothing else right now.

Hani pauses with her hands caressing either side of his cheeks and stands up.

“What?” Minseok asks, like he doesn’t already know.

Even in the near darkness he can see her frown.

She sighs. “Are you going to be like this right now?”

“Like what?”

“Cold, unresponsive.”

He turns away and she removes her hands.

“I’m sorry.”

Later on, after she’s gone to sleep, Minseok remains awake. The unspoken arguments of their relationship haunt him; how she works so much, how Minseok isn’t jealous, not really. But maybe he is, just a little bit.

They never fight, they just… communicate less and less as the years continue. Her admonishing is lovingly given and never bitter, but Minseok knows the words that she isn’t telling him directly. Minseok is stuck in the past, even when he doesn’t think about it. He’s paralyzed by his career, which he no longer enjoys. He’s worried he’ll lose it all, his job, his contract, his marriage, his kids.

‘The truth is, Minseok, that you haven’t learned how to love yourself very well over _all_ the years you’ve been alive. Maybe that’s why you’re shit at loving other people. Because you don’t have anything to give.’

His mind begins to swim after he chugs the rest of his glass of scotch, and then another after that. Was that Hani’s voice, in his head? Or another’s… it sounds so much like another’s…

Back in the living room he stumbles over the kids’ toys and Hani’s shoes. He flips on the hallway light near the door, but it’s not to leave. He falls onto his knees by the side table, pulling out drawers and shutting them when he can’t find the thing he wants. Old receipts go flying, knickknacks he has no idea who they belong to, a few brochures from food delivery places and an extra set of keys and the miniature doll set that Moonbyul screamed at Jinwoo for hiding from her. All these Minseok finds now, scrambling and rustling until his hands finds the picture he’s been craving to see.

He’s thirty-six years old, already a has-been actor, married with two kids and a whole life that’s not exactly regrettable, but still it feels like the best is all behind him.

The strange thing is, if Minseok is thirty-six, then Lu Han must be thirty-six now too.

How come in the picture then, he hasn’t aged? Why is he still twenty-five and peering at Minseok through the photograph like nothing has ever happened. Like he didn’t vanish over ten years ago. Why is he still grinning like a little boy, goofy and lovable with Minseok’s head resting on his shoulder and all the world before them, and they're both so fresh and impressionable and the photographer didn't know it, but he captured them when they were _in love_.

So Minseok got older.

But Lu Han hasn’t changed. If he was dead, maybe Minseok could live with it, but knowing he's not... knowing that somewhere in the world, Lu Han is still out there... that's the part that hurts. Because in Minseok’s mind, as in this picture, Lu Han never gets older, not by a single day.

 

 

 

 

 

Five Hours Ago

 

“Lu Han! How are you doing? It’s been ages since talked.”

“I’m fine… And yeah, it feels like ages. Everything’s okay here. How about you?”

“Good. Good. How is your family? Mom, dad?”

“They’re both well. I don’t see them often but occasionally we meet up.”

“Ahh, I’m glad. Tell them hello from me. Even if they don’t remember who I am.”

“Hah. They might not, but I’m sure I could jog their memory. You should visit again sometime.”

“I should. I should. I wish I was less busy…”

“Nah, that’s alright. I’m staying pretty busy myself with, you know… I barely even call you, I’m sorry.”

“Lu Han, don’t apologize. I know your life. How’s uhm… Jia… Jia…”

“Jia Li? I, I see her in passing every other week.”

“I’m sorry that didn’t work.”

“Ahh, don’t be. It’s no one’s fault. It just didn’t work out with us. But I got Shixun so that makes it alright.”

“Right! How’s Shixun. Wow, he must be almost five now?”

“Yeah… growing fast. I love him.”

“That’s good. Well, tell him Uncle Yixing says hello.”

“I will. Absolutely.”

  



	4. Chapter 4

K-Stars Media Coverage:

_[Breaking Scandal!] Actor Kim Minseok, 45, caught on camera with celebrity boyfriend(?), Kim Jongin, formerly of idol duo Exodus. The photos below show them in middle of what surely looks like a date. We are still waiting for confirmation from the celebrities’ agency, but this news is sure to shock fans everywhere! Kim Minseok divorced wife Ahn Hani only seven years ago. Could this have been the reason why?_

_[Scandal Update] In another shocking turn-around, KHC actually confirms the relationship of Kim Minseok and Kim Jongin, making them one of the first openly-confirmed gay couples in Korean entertainment! Agency representatives stated in an official briefing, ‘The couple have been friends for many years but only recently starting seeing each other. We hope the public will be mindful of their privacy and of their rights, even though we recognize the news will be shocking for many.’_

_We questioned Kim Minseok’s ex-wife Hani, but the MC replied only to say she respects her ex-husband’s privacy and would not comment any further. The once-famous celebrity couple have two children, Moonbyul and Jinwoo, ages 14 and 12 respectively…_

 

Minseok scrolls down through the rest of the article, numb to the ridiculous commentary on his more than ‘recent’ relationship with Jongin.

They’ve been romantic with each other for six years, so it’s almost more shocking that it took the media this long to catch them at it. Minseok’s been ready for almost as long. To be out, to no longer have to hide it. Junmyeon’s official statement has been written and ready for years, and Jongin held Minseok’s hand through the first wave of the uproar. Minseok is only disappointed that the article saw fit to drag his ex-wife and children into the report. But when has the media ever cared about a celebrity’s personal relationships or even their family?

He puts down his laptop on his bedside table and hobbles over to the bathroom. And old leg injury from a filming accident has been giving him grief off and on for the last few years, every time the weather turns cold. He stoops over the counter and blinks into the mirror. Beside him, the toilet flushes and Jongin joins him at the second faucet.

“When did we get old, Jongin?” he asks the face in the mirror.

Jongin smirks. It’s a fact that the other man is aging more gracefully than Minseok. Jongin’s hair is still a natural shade of black, in spite of all the years frying it with dyes and treatments. He also has less of a receding hairline than Minseok, who scoffs and tosses his bangs to the side. There’s a touch of grey around his temples that he’ll need to get fixed. Or maybe not, now that he’s scandal-prone and unlikely to receive offers for any other new projects.

“We’re not old, Minseok, we’re in our prime yet.”

“Lies,” Minseok laughs. Jongin surrounds him from behind, his still damp fingers leaving wet marks in the front of Minseok’s white sleep shirt. He kisses him on the neck and Minseok wriggles.

After six years, they’re pretty familiar with each other like this. It’s been a lifetime too that they were friends.

“I love you,” says Jongin, nuzzling some more, his voice low, sexy even for this time of morning.

If the report hadn’t just come out, if Minseok could only clear his head, maybe… they still have time for…

“I love you, too, Jongin. And, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry, for what?”

“That our lives are going to be more difficult now.”

Jongin smiles and holds him tighter. “It’s always been difficult. Nothing’s really changed.”

“Hasn’t it?” Minseok allows himself a wan smile. His face is showing a few wrinkles, but Jongin calls them handsome, a mark of age and respect. Respect, of which Jongin has little of when he’s kissing up the side of Minseok’s neck.

He squirms away and attempts to laugh. Jongin starts to strip but instead of following Minseok out of the room, he turns on the shower head.

“Do you have your kids for the weekend?” he yells out against the loud spray of the water beating down on the tile.

“Yeah!” Minseok shouts back. “I’m picking them up in a couple hours for-”

“Huh?!”

“I said, I’m picking them up-” He sighs and walks back into the bathroom, poking his head around the wall and yelling directly into the halfway open shower door. “I said, I’m picking them up in a couple hours. You going to be around for dinner later? Moonbyul likes it when you’re around. Says you spoil her nicely.”

He grins and smacks Jongin on the bottom, earning a small yelp followed by an assurance that yes, Jongin would be around for dinner.

It’s been hard on the kids, seeing their parents get divorced. Even if he and Hani still have a good working relationship, it’s different than being married, living together, loving each other. Minseok wanted to make it work. Hani says she wanted to make it work, and that it was Minseok who didn’t put up the effort. And truthfully, he’s not certain she’s not right. She was there for him in some of his darkest times. Minseok is grateful. But it’s also hard to live with a person who knows just how far Minseok is capable of falling. So maybe he didn’t love her enough…

He makes a mental note to ask Moonbyul how mommy’s new boyfriend is. Jun… Jun-something… Was it Junsu? Whatever his name, Minseok hopes he’s making her happy.

 

Of course, it’s pointedly clear to everyone that Minseok’s career hasn’t been exactly soaring, even before the ‘scandal’. Now at least, film directors have a reason to worry over casting him in roles: the ever present tingling of society’s delicate nerves about seeing a bonafide verifiable gay man on their television screens, the horror.

“You haven’t exactly made yourself more marketable,” Junmyeon tells him one day, to Minseok’s rolling eyes.

“Tell me something new, please.”

“On the other hand..” His manager pauses, looking tense.

Minseok was poised to stand up. Now, however, he makes himself comfier in the chair in front of Junmyeon’s desk. “Yes?”

Junmyeon laughs, awkwardly, his eyes glued to his computer screen, monitor facing away from Minseok. Minseok glares at him and he shuts up immediately. “Well?” He pushes again. It’s been about a year since the news was out.

“Sorry. It’s just… well, now that you’re an openly gay man… it doesn’t seem like casting managers really want you for the lead romantic roles…”

“As I said… tell me something new?” Minseok holds in a sigh. He’s been playing secondary characters for nearly two decades now. The uncle figure, the office boss, shareholders in chaebol dramas, most recently as a deadbeat dad on the run from loan sharks. The usual thing for actors who never quite made the A-list. Even his few movie roles have held the same lackluster appearances. Minseok is pushing fifty; he has no expectations anymore of getting to woo women on screen, and he doesn’t want to.

“It’s just, this article I found earlier today… I’m sorry, but I think it’s going to come up again… that… movie from a long time ago.”

Minseok bites his lower lip and hums thoughtfully. “I figured.”

Ten years ago it would have annoyed him more. Even five years ago it would have made a sting. Maybe it still does now, just a tiny bit. Why is it that the world moves on, and still that role, that character, that romance, will never die. The journalists never let it die.

“I’ll let you read it if you want,” his managers offers.

“No, thanks.”

Junmyeon frowns. “No, but really… it may be one of the most sympathetic evaluations of your acting career that I’ve read before. Seems like the writer feels it a shame that you were put next to women all your life. When it was clear you were better with…”

“ _Who_ wrote that?” Minseok interrupts.

Junmyeon scrolls back up to the top of the page, and his eyes widen. He laughs. “Well, that’s something I didn’t expect. Your favorite, your one and only-”

“Byun Baekhyun-ssi?” He guesses, and Junmyeon nods. “Load of crap, that man.” But he laughs.

If Junmyeon is scandalized, he doesn’t act like it. They go over a few more figures, discuss Minseok’s schedule for the rest of the month, a few appearances so lowly the directors haven’t bothered to cut his part.

His and Junmyeon’s meetings are growing less and less frequent with time. He’s not his manager’s shining star anymore; he’s not even one of the company’s better breadwinners. Just an aging character actor, and now Junmyeon has to juggle him with other, younger faces who have recently joined the agency.

It’s old news, nothing Minseok even cares about anymore. They’ll take care of him for the rest of his life, he’s gotten that assurance at least. He should probably learn to be more frugal with his finances anyways. Two pre-teen kids, and there is always putting them through college to look forward to.

“See you, Junmyeon,” he says sadly, making his way out of the office. Some days he goes out and buys the man a bouquet of flowers, remembering how much Junmyeon used to like the ones that Hani would send. Just some color, to brighten the man’s dull little world.

 

 

 

 

Jinwoo is sixteen when he starts to get curious.

“Appa, did you always like men?”

The question comes out of left field, Minseok completely unprepared to answer it. “What?”

Moonbyul asked him this question a few years ago, when she was fifteen and came home from a friend’s house with advanced knowledge of her father’s early film career. In their household, with the kids growing up, nobody ever mentioned The Pearl. A role that became taboo out of habit and not out of purpose.

Jinwoo’s line of questioning runs similar to his sister’s. “I mean, before mom too? Was that why you got divorced? How come you married her if…”

“What brought this up all of a sudden?” Minseok tries to fend it off.

His son is too smart for that. He’s tall and wiry, probably will grow taller than Minseok himself one day. Minseok is just glad neither one of his kids are enticed by the entertainment world. Moonbyul is studying business at a good college, living on campus for the very first time. He and Hani had given her a big dinner party for her send-off. If you ignored the appearances of both Jongin and Junsu, the party itself might have been a glimpse of what their lives together could have been. Some things were a shame, after all.

“I loved your mom, Jinwoo. It wasn’t because… because I was...”

“But did you ever date a guy before Uncle Jongin?”

Jinwoo is good with numbers, like his sister. But he also likes observing people. He and Jongin didn’t get along for the first few years after Minseok started dating. A jealousy thing, but after a while they became pals.

“Yes. For a brief time.”

More than that, he’s unwilling to say. And Jinwoo gets that, thankfully. He apologizes, and it breaks Minseok’s heart a tiny bit, when his son tells him later that he has a girlfriend. Not because he’s disappointed, but because his baby boy is growing up, and pretty soon he’ll lose him to adulthood as well.

“Want to come to the set with me today?” Minseok offers in return, excited to see that Jinwoo’s eyes still light up with glee. He may not be interested in acting, but he loves watching the process behind the scenes.

 

There are some new faces on the scene when Minseok arrives to work. Jinwoo is a faithful shadow wherever he goes, calling out polite greetings to the cast members and crew. Sometimes Minseok thinks people like his son more than Minseok himself. A tribute to his polite and well-brought up mannerisms, he hopes. It’s likely, however, that they feel sorry for a kid with such a scandal-prone parent. His father’s a homosexual, of all the outrages, poor son, what must he feel like. So filial, staying by Minseok’s side even in the public eye.

Minseok knows these thoughts aren’t completely unfounded; he’s heard it before, when co-workers thought he wasn’t listening. Maybe they even wanted him to hear.

He wishes he could protect Jinwoo, but his son is sixteen and has tougher skin that one would think. Still, he keeps an eye out for him at work, never knowing if the strangers hanging around will say something to him. The stars are mostly nice, polite, professional, when they have the time. But they’ve started filming a different sideline plot, and there are new extras, new cameos.

Minseok gets into his costume, a plain suit, and lets one of the women on the makeup crew quickly accent his face and hair. He chitchats about nothing in particular, and it doesn’t take much time. He’ll spend a few hours waiting for the scene in which he appears and then go home. It’s a Saturday. If Jinwoo gets bored he can catch a metro line home. It’s been a short week with fewer schedules.

“Hey, Jinwoo!” he calls out, looking around the room for his son, “want to run through these lines with me?”

There’s a new character today with whom Minseok’s character has to interact with for a brief moment. Sometimes Jinwoo likes helping him rehearse.

He doesn’t hear an answer though. Frowning, bored, he drops his script onto the chair next to him and starts wandering through the camera equipment and sets.

“Jinwoo? Hey, have you seen my son?” he asks a staff member. The man points out the door and down a hallway. Minseok yawns as he meanders that way. He stops and chats for a few minutes with another cast member, passing the time of day and complaining cheerfully about how they’re waiting on the leading lady to get ready. She arrived late to the set and is pushing back the entire day’s schedule.

An assistant shouts out a ten minutes warning call to Minseok and a few of the guys where they stand around a makeshift coffee machine. He bows out immediately, wanting to check on Jinwoo one last time before the camera rolls.

“Jinwoo?” Minseok heads down the hall, following voices. He hears talking, his son’s light hiccuping laughter, then another’s.

“Jinwoo?”

“Dad! Sorry,” Jinwoo turns around with an apologetic smile, “Got caught up. Hey, did you know that in China when they’re on the set they-”

He stops dead.

Because Minseok has stopped dead. His paper coffee cup tumbles towards the ground, barely missing his shoe but it stains his pant leg.

“Dad?”

Hot liquid seeps against his shin, but Minseok has barely registered it. There’s a boy, standing beside his son. Tall, very tall, and slim, with a sharp, beautiful profile. It takes Minseok’s breath away because… for a moment he thought… he thought…

“Dad? Oh, have you two met?” Jinwoo is looking back at the boy like a new friend. “You said you were new on the set today, right? You probably know him then, but this is my father, Kim Minseok.”

Minseok struggles to regain his breath, hiding the fact he felt like wheezing. He swallows quickly as the boy approaches him, politely, very professionally and bows low a couple times.

“I know your face, yes, but it’s an honor to meet you and to get to work with you, Kim Minseok-ssi. I’m a big fan, actually.”

Minseok barely returns the bow, grimacing, and Jinwoo looks at him curiously. However, before the boy has straightened up, Minseok is smiling again. “You must be… oh, they told me there would be some new faces today.”

“He’s playing the lead’s cousin,” Jinwoo clarifies succinctly.

“Is he? Oh, yes.”

It takes a few more seconds of awkwardly staring at each other before Minseok realizes this young actor hasn’t yet said his name.

He fumbles adorably though when Minseok mentions this faux pas. Another bow, Jinwoo’s laughter again.

“I’m sorry, sunbae! I forgot! My name is Oh Sehun, please take care of me.”

 

 

 

Hours later, Minseok nurses a beer, alone, in his apartment. His head hurts, but maybe he’s gotten too old because there’s not even the appeal of drinking himself to sleep. He’ll just wake up with a hangover tomorrow, and he’d rather not deal with that.

Jongin is working late now that he helps the company produce some of their younger artists. Minseok got a phone call earlier explaining how Jongin would probably just go back home to his own apartment - they still keep their separate places - since it was closer and he’d be too tired anyways. Jongin works a lot, more than Minseok actually, but he’s never envied that. It’s been a decade since Jongin took acting work; he always preferred working behind the scenes. A leftover remnant of being thrust into the spotlight so much from a young age. Minseok knows he has a more peaceful life now, one that’s relatively free from the same kind of stress.

It helps too that in Jongin’s line of work, he doesn’t receive the same kind of scrutiny as Minseok. They take care still not to flaunt their relationship out in the public. Even if everybody knows, it doesn’t mean society has accepted them. That’s one of the reasons they still live apart, at least nominally. Many nights Jongin sleeps over, but not every night.

He sips from the bottle slowly.

Minseok likes his privacy too, craves it. Now that Moonbyul is in college she doesn’t come over as often, but she used to keep half her belongings in the spare bedroom and made herself at home on the weekends. Now, Jinwoo has halfway taken over that room. He visits often, but rarely stays the night.

It’s good then, that Minseok has the whole night to reflect, without the added stress of someone interrupting his mood.

Or perhaps it’s not a good thing at all.

He’d really thought, for a moment, that Sehun was…

Minseok must really be getting old. Forty-nine now, going gray. Maybe he should get his eyesight checked out too.

It might have been the shadows, the lighting in that part of the room, but the more he stared at Sehun on the set, the more he imagined similarities that surely weren’t there at all. It moved beyond his face. It was in his mannerisms, the way he carried himself, moved, walked, smiled and interacted with the other cast.

An illusion, obviously, brought on courtesy of Minseok’s deepest, saddest subconscious.

Stupid thoughts. A gateway to the past.

He really needs to stop drinking, one day.

  


As the world turns out, that isn’t the last time he runs into Sehun, and nor do they only meet during filming.

It’s with some trepidation that Junmyeon invites Minseok to an early lunch the following week, hesitantly apologizing for ‘the kid, sorry, I heard you met last week and I didn’t get the chance to explain to you.’

He’s in their company, having signed a contract with KHC barely a few months ago.

Junmyeon is his manager. Like he was with Minseok when Minseok was young and had real prospects.

“You don’t mind sharing a meal with me, right?” he asks them both, even if it’s more likely he asked Sehun if he minded eating lunch with such a scandalous senior in the business. Minseok knows exactly what’s going on here. On one hand, Junmyeon is covering his ass with Minseok, since the elder is no longer popular enough to warrant Junmyeon’s full, undivided attention. On the other hand, he seems to think Sehun would benefit knowing an older, veteran of the drama and movie world. Someone like Minseok, though even he admits he wouldn’t pick himself as a way of climbing to the top.

“Of course not,” Minseok politely responds. “I enjoyed working with Sehun the other day. I think he’s extremely talented.”

His words shouldn’t mean much, but Sehun beams under them anyways. Then he promptly denies he is any good whatsoever while simultaneously thanking Minseok for his compliment.

Minseok observes him cautiously. There’s a calculated cleverness to Sehun’s words that Minseok has of course encountered before with other young actors. The kind that looks to their elders with one part wonderment, two parts strategizing. Why me though, Minseok thinks. Because he was iconic? Two plus decades ago?

The actor awards trophy has since begun to tarnish.

“Tell us about yourself, Sehun,” he asks quietly. “Is this your first drama role? When did you start acting?”

The way the boy blushes is reminiscent of… someone.

“Yes. First time like this, but I’ve done some theater acting in school.”

He’s nineteen, Minseok realizes. A whole year older than his daughter, three years older than his son. Such a young face, fresh, ready to take on the world. Interestingly, this is where the similarities end.

Lu Han never seemed so driven. He liked acting, but he didn’t have the temperament to pursue it to the end. He loved Minseok too, but likewise, that wasn’t enough.

It’s only wishful thinking that swayed Minseok’s thoughts in this direction. He’s projecting. Sehun isn’t anything like that other person, although just seeing a boy who shares his features makes Minseok wonder now. How might Lu Han have aged? What would he have been like, if he hadn’t disappeared from the public eye, his career over before it truly began.

“I…” Sehun smiles bashfully in Minseok’s direction, “I’ve watched a lot of your dramas and movies.”

Junmyeon laughs, his tone politically correct. It makes Minseok bristle though. Of course, of course he knows that Sehun acting like a fanboy is laughable. It’s schmoozing at its most base, and this young actor hasn’t quite mastered the skill of subtlety. Still, though. It’s nice to be so respected, even if they are just words.

“Have you?” He smiles. “That’s quite the watch list. I assume you saw most of them for other people?”

He gets another bashful, apologetic look. “Some, yes, perhaps.”

They’re in a semi-private booth in the back corner of a restaurant. Junmyeon orders for everyone, Minseok promises to get the bill. For some minutes Junmyeon pries the young man with questions about how things are going, thoughts about acting, about his co-workers, what his favorite dramas are. Why he came to Korea.

Before Sehun can answer the last question though, Junmyeon’s phone buzzes from inside his jacket pocket. He apologizes, mumbling as he turns away to speak into the receiver. Sehun cuts up a potato on his plate. Minseok sips his coffee.

“I’m so sorry, I have to run…” Junmyeon says a minute later.

“Oh? That’s alright. There’s not anything wrong is there?”

He assures Minseok there isn’t. But after a few moments, he’s gone from the table, leaving Sehun and Minseok alone.

He clears his throat, smiling, lips pressed closed.

“So.”

Sehun smiles awkwardly back. “So?”

“So… you’re not Korean then?”

“I… no, my mother was half-Korean, but she lived in China when I was born, and then for most of my childhood.”

“I see. Does she live in Korea now? Is that what brought you here?”

“Sometimes, and yes, partly. I always wanted to act though, and I loved Korean movies, dramas. It seemed natural to come here to start that.”

Minseok nods thoughtfully. Sehun’s accent is almost non-existent, but there is something there that signifies him as someone who was probably raised speaking Chinese and mixed Korean. It’s endearing, almost charming. With the right choices, it could take Sehun a long way down the road to success.

If only Minseok knew how to keep this conversation going.

“I’m sorry it ended up just us. I’m not really a… great role model, I know.”

“What? Oh, but you are!” Sehun insists. It takes Minseok by surprise.

“Am I?”

“Uhh, yes. I mean, as I’ve said, I’ve seen most of your movies and stuff.” Sehun jitters on his seat, betraying his nerves. It makes Minseok curious.

“Yes?” he pries.

“I mean… Well, your early stuff… it was… really good. Really good.”

Minseok smiles, not wanting to weigh in so soon.

Sehun continues, softly. “Also, well, I’m… gay. So, seeing you deal with the media as you have kind of inspires me-”

“You realize,” Minseok cuts in, “that the public only figured this out much, much later in my career right?”

“Y-yes,” Sehun hesitates. “Still though.”

Then he stops, as if this is all he wants to say, when Minseok guesses it's not.

It disturbs him, that undeserved confidence Sehun seems to exude. So young, so inexperienced. Surely he must know what a danger his sexuality would mean for his career. Minseok knows this well. He’s spent the better part of his life, even from the very beginning, worrying about this, stressing about this.

_“Alright then, let’s talk about us, Lu Han? Shall we do this! Let’s talk! I’m fucking you, you’re fucking me. God, I’m so fucking drunk, what do you think would happen if people found out about us. Wouldn’t it suck! What do you think? Should we just go ahead and try and find out-”_

It’s almost comical now, how Minseok used to think that having more sex would fix all their problems. Can’t be in the public eye, why not make up for it the bedroom. Perhaps if he’d tried thinking more soberly, or actually asked Lu Han what he thought they should do instead of raving all the time, maybe then he wouldn’t have left like he did.

He knows that now, how he scared Lu Han. What man would have looked at Minseok back in those days and considered him ready for commitment, when none but them would ever be able to acknowledge it. When that fact alone unnerved Minseok more than any other thought.

Is this his chance now? To coach a younger generation, using his mistakes to dissuade others from doing the same dumb things.

“You know, Sehun, that it’s extremely difficult to be this way, in this line of business.”

“Yes. I know that already actually.”

“You have a boyfriend?” Minseok asks. Sehun nods.

So it’s serious then.

What a shame, Minseok can’t ever talk about his past. It was so long ago, it was so traumatic. It still is. If he could go back he would do it all again, make it different, make it better. Fix it. But history is history. Life has gone on, and now the past lays encased in a shroud of unalterable events. Like a star looking down on the world, Minseok can’t change a single thing about it now. He can only look back on it, forever, stone-hearted and glassy-eyed.

“Treat him well then. You have to treat him well, no matter what you decide to do.”

He can’t keep the sadness out of his expression, his tone, from seeping out of his heart.

“I… Well, I’m trying,” says Sehun. Then, a moment later, “Are you, alright?”

“Yes,” he recovers quickly. “I’m sorry, but I don’t talk about this much. There are, obviously, many things I regret.”

“About dating men?”

“No, not on that specifically. But, how I treated them. How I let the world intrude, get in the way.”

Sehun slurps his water noisily through his straw. It draws Minseok’s eyes and he frowns, Sehun apologizing quietly. “Sorry. It’s just… you and… Kim Jongin-ssi, seem so well together now.”

Minseok laughs. “I don’t just speak of the present.”

He watches as something passes over Sehun’s young face, like an intriguing thought Sehun is struggling to release or not. He waits. It’s now clear that Sehun is indeed looking to him for something. Whether it’s answers, or advice, he doesn’t know. But he’s obviously not worried about Minseok’s personal life getting in the way of work, of acting. At least, not here in the corner booth of an unassuming restaurant, and right now there’d be no reason whatsoever why anyone who mattered would be following them or listening in. Sehun is a nobody, Minseok is past his prime. They’re co-workers, have a senior-junior relationship, and they’re signed with the same company under similar management.

So what is it that Sehun wants to know?

“I can’t help wondering…” Sehun begins.

Minseok sits up straight, preparing himself.

But then Sehun’s phone rings. He frowns and fishes it from his pocket, goes to silence it, but Minseok indicates that it’s alright.

He answers in Mandarin. Minseok knows enough to follow the main points. Sehun answering someone who sounds like a family friend, polite but familiar. Plans to gather later, for dinner. He laughs, tells him he’s having lunch with _the Kim Minseok_ , during which he smiles at Minseok. Minseok smiles along and sips the rest of his coffee. His lunch isn’t sitting well in his stomach.

It sits even less well when Sehun ends his phone call with the words, _See you later, Yixing-ge_.

 

 

 

 

“So this is your apartment?”

Minseok lets Sehun come in, waving a hand around expressionless when the youth looks around in awe. He draws up to the glass balcony window and hums some more at the view. Minseok watches him with something like trepidation. There’s a part of him that thinks this is probably a bad idea, but he can’t figure out exactly why. Why shouldn’t an elder in the business lead around a newcomer who seems to genuinely want to know him?

He glances towards the open kitchen archway, meeting eyes with Jongin who leans against it cooly with his arms crossed over his chest. His eyebrows arch and he smiles at Minseok, but his lips are still tightly pressed, a hint of the same feeling of reservation. It’s the first time Sehun has been introduced to Minseok’s partner.

“Junmyeon said you had a nice place,” says Sehun while turning back to face the room.

“Does he? Well, good of him to remember. He hasn’t visited in quite a long time.”

“What can I get you to drink?” Jongin plays the host almost better than Minseok. He sets out four wine glasses and pours generous amounts of red into each. One he sets on the table, the other two he delivers into their hands.

Sehun thanks him bashfully while he tips the liquid towards the lips. “Thanks for having me over.”

Minseok grips the neck, swirls the glass, and stares grimly into the swirling dark red wine. “It’s nothing fancy, we’re happy to have you,” he says. “And…”

“Oh, Tao should be here soon. I’m sorry, he’s almost always running late.”

It’s entirely appropriate, Minseok tells himself over and over, that he allows this sort of budding connection. Jongin had argued with him, convinced that Sehun was only in it for himself, and on that topic Minseok had no argument. He agreed, as it happens. No one in show business survives for long on their own personal merits. There’s always someone else to win over, to impress, to entertain, to build connections.

But Minseok has his own agenda as well.

_See you later, Yixing-ge._

“So tell us about your boyfriend? He’s not an actor, right? How did you meet?”

They stand beside the bar while Sehun’s eyes light up over his short but romantic history. Tao is also nineteen, an exchange student working on a degree in film studies here in Seoul. They met last summer during a camp for budding artists in the film industry, having in common their Chinese background. Minseok even smiles and grows comfortable while Sehun tells their story. It’s evident he likes Tao very much, or else he’s an extremely good actor. Not something to dismiss, but Minseok believes it’s likely quite genuine, at least on Sehun’s part.

“And you know, the hardest thing - well, you really _do_ know this,” Sehun imparts, “is that we can’t tell anyone. I mean, my family kind of knows, but his certainly don’t, and also none of our friends. They can only guess, and I imagine some of them are a bit suspicious but, I can’t do anything about that. I just… really like being with him.”

Jongin softens indulgently. “It’s hard a world, you’re right, but with the right person… the stress is entirely worth it.”

“Isn’t it?” Sehun beams. “Is that how was for you two? I mean, you must have hidden it for a long time right? Or, wait, but you were married before. So…”

Jongin offers Minseok another glass of wine while he tries not to choke. The boy’s cheeks turn a delicate shade of red. Perhaps he will realize his faux pas and not continue… But a moment later Sehun smiles again as if he has no comprehension of his words and asks, “But you’ve had to deal with this even earlier than that, right? Ever since The Pearl? Wasn’t that quite a shocking role? I’ve read some commentary on it and - it’s one of my favorite movies - some reporters even suspected you were… like that, then?”

Is he asking, or _is he asking?_ Minseok glances away and sips his wine heartily, the better to distance himself from the question and whatever answer Minseok kind of wants to shove down Sehun’s pretty face.

“I shouldn’t be asking probably, but…” Sehun is relentless, “your co-star… Lu Han? Wasn’t it said, that you two were really close?”

There is a dead silence ringing through the apartment. In one sense, Minseok is livid, and in another he is absolutely mesmerized that Sehun has the gall to mention this out loud. Is that youthful naivety that allows him do this, or is this the reason Minseok was starting to get chills before Sehun even entered his apartment?

_See you later, Yixing-ge._

“You’re right about one thing,” Jongin speaks into the frigid atmosphere. “You shouldn’t be asking.”

 

 

 

Tao, when they meet him later, is fortunately not as nosey as his boyfriend. He arrives looking stressed from getting lost, and he treats Minseok and Jongin as if they aren’t celebrities which, after the last twenty minutes, Minseok finds refreshing.

Sehun had flushed spectacularly at Jongin’s reprimand, and immediately apologized. Everything afterwards settled into an easier routine.

“I don’t want you to get busier, you’ll barely have time to spend with me,” Tao whines adorably when Sehun tells everybody what his schedule looks like for the rest of the month. It’s more jampacked that Minseok’s, since Sehun is contracted by the company to take a continuous stream of acting classes to improve his trade.

“I wouldn’t complain so much,” Jongin tries to play the pity card, “when I was an idol, we had it even worse than you actors. Try singing and dancing and getting no sleep whatsoever on top of all the music shows and interviews, and the company still wanted us to try acting?” He swoons dramatically and earns laughter from around the table, Minseok chuckling even as he remembers those fitful days when he literally thought Jongin would die or injure himself beyond repair.

For the longest time, after Lu Han left, Jongin was all he had. Jongin and Hani, but one of those bridges he already abandoned. He strokes Jongin’s knee under the table while Sehun and Tao exclaim violently in relief that Sehun isn’t quite as busy _as that._

“They’re good kids, _I think_ ,” Jongin tells Minseok an hour later when they are clearing up the dinner plates. They let Sehun and Tao have a few moments together out on the balcony, pretending not to notice the two clinging together as they take in the midnight skyline.

“You only think?” Minseok raises his brows suspiciously and then glances at the two boys.

Jongin follows his gaze. “Well, Tao maybe. Sehun, on the other hand… I don’t know what he’s playing at, or if he’s just genuinely curious but…”

And that ‘but’ Minseok decides to leave for another night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jinwoo’s piano recital falls on a Friday evening a few weeks later, likely one of his last since the boy has expressed no desire to follow-up on his talent and would rather focus more on college entry exams. That makes this a solemn but celebratory affair, and Minseok wishes Jongin could make it. His partner is working, however, so Minseok gets dressed by himself, throws a tie loosely around his neck and drives that way to the recital hall. Hani is supposed to pick up Moonbyul on her way past the university, and Minseok has every expectation of having to sit next to them and Junsu while avoiding the awkward question that everyone seems to have around them: ‘Hani, dear, when are the two of you finally going to get married?’ She confided to Minseok a few meetups ago that she’s enjoying taking it slow. Minseok completely understands.

Moonbyul kisses his cheek when he sits beside her. For all his precautions he still managed to arrive a few minutes late and the hall has gone dark. He slips in right before the first student enters the stage, covertly looks over his daughter’s shoulder to smile at his ex-wife and her boyfriend, then he settles back into the uncomfortable chair.

Jinwoo is fifth or sixth, according to the program. After the third student, Moonbyul leans into his ear and points to a girl sitting alone three rows in front and an aisle over.

“I think that’s her,” she whispers.

“Her?”

“The girl Jinwoo likes! He showed me a picture once. I think that’s her.”

“You didn’t greet her earlier?” Minseok asks.

“Didn’t notice until now.”

Her mother shushes her as the fourth performer enters the stage and she sits back into her chair, professional smile back in place as she tosses her bangs once and gets comfortable.

Minseok glances occasionally back at the girl, curious. From this angle he can’t see her face, but she looks around Jinwoo’s age. He debates between interrogating her after the performance or if he should let Jinwoo do the introductions first. But then he spots another familiar profile and almost jolts out of his seat.

Far to his left, several rows behind Jinwoo’s apparent girlfriend, sits Sehun.

Minseok’s first reaction is to get up and accost him, recital or not. He doesn’t remember ever mentioning Jinwoo’s performance to the young actor. Does that mean he came here for someone else, another friend perhaps? Or is he actually stalking Minseok?

Moonbyul notices his unsettlement. She leans towards him again and murmurs questioningly. He waves her off with a small shake of his hand and pretends he isn't assuming the worst.

There’s no reason to be so alarmed. It’s only a stupid thought. Minseok tells himself this over and over again. But then ever since he let the young man into his life, he swears he sees him more often than normal, not only during filming, but at the company offices as well. Everywhere he turns, there is Sehun, and every time he’s alone, there is Sehun come to say hello and pass the time of day and monopolize Minseok's attention in some small way or another. It’s borderline amusing and disturbing, and Jongin frowns curiously whenever Minseok tells him these things. Either Sehun is trying overly hard in his desire to find a mentor, or he has other motives. And other than trying to seduce him, of which there’s been no hint, Minseok doesn’t know what that other motive might be.

He tries not to look left again. Sehun is a distraction he didn’t sign up for today, and it’s his son’s last piano recital. Jinwoo walks on finally, his smile a little nervous, but he sits down with solemnity and plays his piece well, with only one or two tiny mistakes. Moonbyul claps louder than is appropriate at the end, and he sees Hani let go of her breath, relieved that it’s over and that Jinwoo did fine.

She’s aged beautifully over the last few years. Her once honey-blond hair has been allowed to return to its natural dark brown which she keeps pinned to her nape.

He should have treated her better. It’s Minseok’s loss, her stable presence in his life. It used to be that she was the only bridge between deep depression and maturity. And though it was a better breakup than his first, he still made her cry too many times to count. He barely forgives himself, even now.

Will it be Jongin’s turn next? God willing, he never wants to repeat that again, hurting people.

“Appa, you’re staring.”

Minseok shifts uneasily. Moonbyul has misunderstood his sideways glances to the left. He’s not so much interested in the unnamed girlfriend as he is the boy sitting further behind. With Jinwoo done, there are only a few more students, but he can’t get up until they’re done. Is it any wonder his mind has shifted back to Sehun? _Why is he here?_

In between the second to last and last performer, Minseok’s stare goes on a little too long. And Sehun looks to his right, catching his gaze.

Sehun smiles. He doesn’t look in the least bit shocked.

“Excuse me,” Minseok tells his daughter as soon as the overhead lights turn on, making a direct path towards the actor.

Sehun anticipates his coming. He stands up and stretches unceremoniously then hops a row to get past an elderly couple blocking the aisle. Minseok meets him halfway and he makes no effort to conceal his curiosity when he speaks.

“Sehun, what a surprise to see you here?”

Sehun bows low and grins upon coming up. “Jinwoo invited me, didn’t you know?”

“No? I didn’t actually.” He didn’t know Sehun and his son were ever in contact with each other, despite having met that one time - that Minseok knows of - on the set.

“Oh? Well he mentioned it offhand once, and I said I should come, and he said sure. So… he plays very pretty.”

Minseok smiles boldly as he looks around the auditorium. “Was Tao not able to come with you?”

“He’s studying tonight, no.”

The rest of their conversation is cut off by Moonbyul appearing by his side, and then Minseok is forced into trading names on each of their behalfs. Several minutes later Jinwoo approaches between the seats, and Hani and Junsu catch up to them. Sehun stands back for most of the family huddle, during which Jinwoo shyly introduces his even shyer ‘friend’ Dana. It's almost easy, to leave Sehun on the sidelines and forget his startling presence. Hani and Moonbyul are steadily asking questions about Dana, when and where they met, about her family and school. But then Jinwoo, in an attenpt to deflect attention, rushes forward and thanks Sehun too for coming.

"Appa, is he your prodigy?" Moonbyul teases, and Sehun blushes.

From there it's a natural thing that Hani and Jinwoo are inviting the actor to come with them to a restaurant to celebrate, and Minseok is left with no option but to smile and nod and take him under his wing.

The ride to the restaurant is a brief reprieve, Minseok driving with both Jinwoo and Sehun entertaining themselves in the back seat. Dana had to return home early. Minseok watches the boys through the rear view mirror and ponders the unlikely friendship. He wishes Jongin were here to help keep Minseok's head straight. Instead, it's Hani who whispers into his ear later as they are ushered into the restaurant, "Minseok... who is he?" And Minseok has only a brief answer. If she thinks she recognizes his face, like Minseok does, she doesn't say it outright.

 

 

 

It's well into the night when the party splits up. Sehun didn't want to go home. Minseok steers him to a patio seating area next to a food cart nearby where Sehun says he lives. He hadn't realized, at the restaurant, that he'd drunk a few too many glasses of wine.

"Ahhhhh, now this is good eating." Sehun plops down on a plastic chair and calls for someone to bring him soju.

"I'm not sure this is a good idea," Minseok thinks out loud. He sits down a little more gingerly. It's been a long day and his bones are old. He's tempted to call up Junmyeon and ask where exactly Sehun lives, because he can't remember the address. If he ever learned it he forgot, and Sehun's not telling him. "Okay, you wanted comfort food, let's get some and then you need to get home."

He didn't sign up for babysitting, but maybe he can consider it practice for a someday future role.

"Just one bottle, sunbae! One more bottle."

Sehun chatters when he drinks. That was clear the night he and Tao came over to dinner. He does it now too, mindless drama from the film set, questions about the other actors. Minseok relents and demands Sehun pour him a cup because this could go on for a while and he's too tired to deal with it sober. When he was younger he could deal with this, the drinking culture and wasting time with co-workers. He and Lu Han and Jongin used to do it, sneaking out at the end of Kai's schedules. At some point they'd drink the idol under the table and make out freely while the younger snoozed. Now it's Jongin Minseok slides into bed with most evenings, and he's drinking with-

"Junmyeon's nice," Sehun chatters on and on. "Kind of old man-y though. Has he always been like that? I mean, you're not like that."

Minseok laughs despite himself. "Why, thank you. And yeah, he's always been that way, long as I've known him."

"He was your manager from the beginning right? Before you got famous."

"Yeah," Minseok gulps the rest of his cup. Sehun pours him another before filling his own. "How did you know that?"

"Hmm?" Sehun coughs. "Oh, he must have mentioned it. Said you went back ages."

Yeah, yeah, another history lesson Minseok doesn't need to hear. It's already bad enough Sehun is obsessed with talking about all of Minseok's movies and dramas. At least he hasn't bothered him again about that cursed role in _The Pearl_.

"So, right. _The Pearl_ , man that was a great film. Junmyeon said it was your best thing ever."

"Junmyeon said that?" Minseok raises an eyebrow and starts to sweat.

"Yeah yeah yeah, even shared that article written a few weeks about it."

Minseok slams his cup down on the table, unsettling some of the snacks that have been laid out around it. "Look, it's late, tell me where you live and I'll take you home."

"I don't want to go homeee! Tao's not there right now. It's sad without Tao there. Why does he have to be so busy huh? Sunbae, why?"

Minseok pinches the bridge of his nose. His head is starting to swim, from stress. He's not even bothered yet by the alcohol.

"I don't know about Tao, but for tonight at least, you'll live. Now come on, get your stuff. You're going home." He grabs Sehun's jacket from where it slipped onto the ground and throws it into the young man's arms. "Come on."

"Wait? But, one more drink... and... oh, okay fine."

Sehun hobbles along behind him as they walk to the car. He stumbles every few steps until Minseok catches his elbow. The car beeps when he unlocks it. Sehun hiccups. "You know I live just right across the street, right?" He laughs, the hiccups again.

Minseok rolls his eyes. "Really? Oh well then, good. You can get yourself home."

He’s almost glad. The less time he spends with a drunk man who from certain angles looks like Lu Han from decades ago, the better.

“It’s three flights up,” Sehun deadpans, and Minseok sighs. Sehun is barely standing on two feet now, and the staircase he’s pointing to across the street looks murderous.

“Fine, come on. I got you.”

Junmyeon would probably kill him if anything happened to the company’s precious new talent, and that’s one scandal too many for Minseok to be able to handle. He can picture it now: _[Has-been star Kim Minseok drives away from the crime scene after rising youth Oh Sehun is found crumbled below his apartment stairs. Kim Minseok, famously known for being gay and also that one time he was connected with the sudden disappearance of-]_

Minseok actually laughs at himself. The places his mind goes… “Come on.” He take Sehun by the elbow and checks the street for oncoming traffic.

It takes almost ten minutes with a lot of fidgeting on Sehun’s part, but they manage the steps and Sehun grows quieter as they ascend, sleep and fatigue and alcohol finally sinking in.

“Where’s your key?”

Sehun’s apartment is shockingly clean. It’s sparse, which suits the small size, but it looks vaguely unlived in. Minseok supposes he probably spends more time with Tao, and he considers warning the boy when he’s more sober about taking precautions so he isn’t caught. In the meantime, he drags Sehun inside and deposits him on the couch. He’s not about to take charge of getting him undressed and into bed. If Sehun rolls off later and decides to move, that’s his prerogative. He searches through the tiny kitchenette for a glass and fills it with water, setting it on the coffee table.

“Sehun…” he nudges the boy’s shoulder. “Sehun, sit up for a moment and drink some water, okay?”

“Noo…” But Sehun does what he’s told anyway.

Minseok brings the glass to his mouth and helps him hold it there. Some of it sloshes down the side and runs down his hand.

“Sleep, okay?”

Sehun leans back on the armrest, his eyelids fluttering as if fighting it. He looks so young, so innocent, barely older than Minseok’s kids.

“I bet you’re a good dad,” Sehun moans.

“Hmm?”

“Your kids… they’re pretty happy. Seem like that anyway…”

Minseok picks up a blanket resting on the back of a chair and throws it over Sehun’s lap. He’s not sure what he’s supposed to say. Sure, his kids are doing well now but that doesn’t mean their lives have always been great, or that Minseok was there for them every time. He’s complicated their lives at every step of the way, being a known celebrity, having a murky past, divorcing their mother, and subjecting them to scandal after scandal. He’s proud though of how they pulled through everything. He wouldn’t take any of that back.

“What were your parents like?” he asks.

There’s a nearly empty bookshelf by the window that he walks over to. It contains a few DVDs, a small stack of music and albums, some books Sehun appeared to be reading for a college course Minseok already knows he had to drop.

“My… mom is kind of… distant.” Sehun’s words are slow and slurred. He’s pulled the blanket up to his chest and kicked off one sock.

There’s a picture of her on the bookshelf with Sehun. They’re standing side by side with a few inches separating them. It looks forced, a deliberate kind of pose. Beside it is a better picture of Sehun and Tao, their faces touching cheek to cheek.

“What about your dad?” Minseok picks up a picture that makes his heart want to fall right out of his chest.

“My dad?” Seun yawns and settles further into the cushions.

“You said they never married, right?”

He thrusts the frame back onto the shelf. It falls over irreverently and Minseok fumbles to set it back upright. It requires two hands and more willpower than he currently has.

“Yeah, that’s right. They were only together for a few years but… then she left.”

Would it be appropriate to ask why? Sehun doesn’t even make him work that hard.

“He was so sad… my poor dad, half his life… Like, he put up a good act… sometimes…”

“But not all the time?”

“No.” Sehun yawns again and rolls onto his side. “No, he was always really sad… and he’d never tell me why… That’s all I wanted to know… why.”

Minseok feels vaguely calm, though he knows he shouldn’t be. A stray droplet escapes from his eye and that’s all. He wipes it away with the tip of his finger.

“Is that why you came to Korea?”

Sehun groans and shuffles more on the sofa, this time almost onto his stomach with a leg hanging off. He probably doesn’t even realize how candid he’s being. He must be halfway asleep, and whatever part of his brain that’s still conscious is heavily under the effects of alcohol.

“Yeah…” he mumbles into a throw pillow. “Wanted to… meet you… ask you _why_ …”

And Minseok wants to press him more, ply him with questions while Sehun’s still awake, see what answers he can give Minseok in return. It’s all there, ready to know… Everything Minseok’s always wanted to hear about why he left and why he never contacted him again.

But then he thinks, what if it was his kid passed out in some other man’s apartment, laying open, vulnerable to secrets he was never meant to share. Besides, Minseok already guesses some of those reasons. The only one he wanted was this: _Lu Han, why couldn’t you just forgive me?_

And maybe he knows the answer to that one too.

“Goodnight, Sehun.”

He makes sure Sehun’s door is locked tight behind him and takes the stairs slowly down towards the street, towards his car, towards his home so he can pass out and think about everything again in the morning, again and again for the rest of his life.

 

 

 

 

 

There are twelve missed calls on his phone the next day. One is from Junmyeon, one is from Hani. Two are from Jongin, and seven are from Sehun himself. The last number is unknown, and Minseok ignores all of them.

He calls Yixing instead, and right after that he makes an appointment to see Baekhyun at their favorite little cafe. Minseok actually hates the food there, but it’s right across the street from Baekhyun’s offices. Now that he’s a managing content editor of some big name news source - not the same tabloid he worked for years ago - he’s got a lot of clout, a higher office floor, and exactly the same shitty taste in coffee.

“Kim Minseok-ssi, you’re looking old.”

“And you’re as charming as ever.” He gulps down a cup of Americano, the only decent thing the cafe produces, and orders no food. His stomach has revolted several times already and he’s not willing to try anything else while out in public. His head feels like someone smacked him with a dozen bricks, and the world is entirely too bright.

“I want you to tell me something.”

Baekhyun smiles wide, and a few decades ago it would be cute as hell. Now, however, with his receding hairline and slowly wrinkling skin it just looks creepy. “Ahh, tell you me you didn’t like my comparative review of my _all-time favorite movie!?_ Minseok-ah, don’t do this to me.”

Minseok snorts. It’s the closest he’s come to laughing all day. It’s partly for this that he even asked to meet.

“The memories aren’t quite as kind to me as they are to you, Baekhyun, but I appreciate it.”

“No problem. No problem at all for my favorite person in the whole wide acting world. How’s your ex? How’s Jongin? Kids are good? What are they, in college now?”

“One of them is, Moonbyul. Everyone else is fine. What about you? Still not married yet?”

Baekhyun practically howls in his hilarity. It takes a minute to settle down, and Minseok is well used to sitting patiently through such dramatics.

“Married, me? Now, Minseok, you know my boyfriend doesn’t believe in such things.” And he winks. Minseok allows him the joke, because in all this time, no one, not even Minseok, has ever discovered the name of Baekhyun’s partner. Few even know he’s gay.

“You didn’t come to pass the time of day with me though, I know. So what is it this time that’s got you wound up?”

Baekhyun takes a serious turn and Minseok appreciates it. “It’s…”

“It’s about Lu Han, isn’t it? Or rather, his son?”

“Figured you would have known,” Minseok chuckles. He drinks half his coffee in one go and stares blindly out the windows towards the media headquarters across the street.

“Yeah, months ago. Honestly, I thought you’d have figured this out sooner than now,” says Baekhyun.

Minseok hums. “Maybe I did. Maybe I didn’t want to entirely believe it.”

The conversation earlier with Yixing hadn’t gone well. He’d known, Minseok realized late last night. He’d known forever. Where Lu Han was, what his life was like. And he’d lied to Minseok’s face time every time he asked.

 

_“He trusted me to keep that secret, Minseok!”_

_“I thought we were friends, Yixing! Friends! You couldn’t have told me anything? Just the tiniest little thing so I’d know he was even alive?”_

_“I promised him! You didn’t need to know.”_

_“And so what, you were just going to wait? Never say a thing? Not even when Sehun showed up here following me around like a puppy because he wanted answers too? How long were you going to keep this from me?!”_

_“I… I didn’t expect Sehun would be like that, Minseok, I’m sorry, but I gave my word to Lu Han, and that’s all you have to know.”_

_“But…”_

_“But what? You screwed up his life, Minseok. You broke his heart. You took it out and trampled it to the ground that night and expected... what? Him to not care? You wanted him to forgive you over and over again? You wanted him to sacrifice things that you weren’t even willing to do in return? Minseok, is it any wonder he fled the opposite direction and never returned!?”_

_“But, I can’t believe you never told me…”_

_“It’s because I never forgave you, Minseok. Maybe Lu Han did sometime, somewhere in the past. But I didn’t-”_

_“Wait, what did you say? Lu Han… what?”_

_There’d been a long silence over the phone, Yixing breathing loudly._

_“Don’t get so excited. Forgiveness doesn’t mean everything is forgotten. It just means he managed to move on.”_

 

 

How blind Minseok had been. Not only to the things he put Lu Han through all those years ago, but to the innocent smiles and placating empty assurances Yixing had given him every year since then. At least Baekhyun was a little different.

“I’m not going to blow his cover, don’t worry. I’ve already buried Sehun’s records and instructed the few people who know not to publish any links between them.”

“Thank you.”

He finishes his coffee in peace. Baekhyun bites heavily into a pastry and lets the crumbs fall to his lap. Minseok has to look away and his phone buzzing gives him a momentary reprieve. It’s the same unknown number that called earlier. He has more than an inkling he knows who it’ll be.

“You know, Minseok, I never told you this.” Baekhyun discards the remnants of his snack on a paper napkin and wipes his sticky fingers.

“Told me what?”

“That I was there. That night. I followed you guys. Call me a creeper, call me a stalker, hey, whatever you want. My job was paparazzi, you do what you gotta do.”

Minseok’s blood turns frigid.

 

_“Lu Han, fuck, come back, where are you going!?”_

_“I just hit a telephone pole, Minseok, so shut up and quit following me. You’re drunk.”_

_“Han… Look, I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have grabbed the wheel. It's my fault-”_

_“You’re damn right, you’re sorry. Look, just leave me alone. I need some space. I need to think, okay!?”_

_“You can’t leave, wait, Lu Han, you can’t you just can’t.”_

_“I can’t? Why can’t I? Why can’t I, Minseok, when all you’ve done for the last few hours is talk your head off about your shitty pitiful life. Well if it’s so shitty and I’m a part of that, how do you think that makes me feel?”_

_“We can talk about it!”_

_“I don’t want to. Not now, Minseok, please… not now.”_

_“So when?”_

_“When? I don’t know. Minseok, I really don’t know…”_

They’d left the vehicle there, hood up and dented, steam coming out of the engine. He’d chased Lu Han in circles until they ended right back by the stranded car and still he wouldn’t talk, or listen, or accept any of Minseok’s apologies. And with the way Minseok had cried and wailed, he wouldn’t have accepted his forgiveness then either.

_“If you love yourself, then go now. Before the police arrive. I’ll take care of this…”_

Lu Han’s last request, ever. Minseok had fled.

 

And for some reason, Baekhyun witnessed it all and never told anybody.

“Thank me later, Minseok, when you get a stunning role in your twilight years and then I can write your biography. Catch you later, and don’t worry about the kid. He’ll be fine. And unless he divulges it himself, no one will know he’s Lu Han’s son. Not if I can help it.”

 

Minseok calls Hani back later that evening. He tells her everything is fine, no, please, don’t worry about him. He tells Junmyeon he just needed a day off from calls and people. He comes up with endless scripts of the things he wants to tell Sehun, but every time he gets his thumb over the call button he chickens out. To Jongin he only messages him to say he’s home.

Jongin slips into the apartment a few hours after sundown. He’s quiet and stiff, and when Minseok fills him in on the last twenty-four hours there’s a defeated look that overcomes his entire expression. Minseok knows that look. He saw it on Lu Han. He saw it on Hani.

“What. What is it?” He asks anyways.

Jongin smiles sadly. “I guess… I guess I always knew that sometime, someday, this would all come back. That he would come back and I… that we would end like this.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Lu Han. That’s the person who’s been calling you, right? He knows you know, and now you’ll have to meet and the past will catch up with us. Minseok, I’ve been competing with Lu Han for half my life. I can’t do it now, not again, not this way.”

“Jongin, I don’t understand.”

“You won’t want to be with me, isn’t that right? Not if, he’s back.”

“I haven’t even answered his call. What makes you think he’s coming back?”

“Because he always was. It’s always been about him. This whole story of you and me and everything that’s happened in between. Your marriage, your career, it’s always been about Lu Han even when no one mentioned his name. So then I will-”

“Jongin!”

Minseok has to yell to get his attention. And still he fumes like a pot that’s been boiling for years and if ever Minseok felt guilty about something before, he feels it now. Second best, that’s what Jongin’s always thought he was? A replacement, something temporary, something to fill the gap until, until, what? Until Minseok got his shit together or until something buried so deep in the past came rushing back to life?

“Jongin!” He shouts again.

“Look, Minseok, just spare me, I know everything and-”

“Jongin! Please, don’t… don’t do this to yourself.”

He takes the man by the shoulders and resists the urge the shake him hard. “You think you’re not enough? You think I don’t love you enough?”

“What? I…”

Only after he has Jongin’s undivided attention does he go on. Yes, he’s going to call Lu Han. Yes, he’s going to demand they meet after all this time. Yes, he wants answers and to hear his voice and to see his face to know he’s alive, and there’s Sehun in between them now; before it gets complicated, he needs to know that Sehun won’t find himself trapped between them, feeling guilty for slipping and telling Minseok the truth.

“But Jongin… that doesn’t change what’s going on right now. With us. With you and me, okay? Please, you need to trust me. I love you. You’ve been there for me forever, Jongin, and that means more than you will ever know.”

Who knows if it’s enough. One never knows what will be enough. God knows, Minseok isn’t good with these kinds of things. But he believes this is the truth, and that’s a start, for now.

 

 

He waits until morning to call the unknown number. Every nerve is on edge, he has goosebumps running up and down his arms. The ringing goes on for what feels like forever.

“Hello?”

That voice. It’s the same, but it’s also not. It's older, more mature.

“Hello.”

There’s a brief silence, then a hum. “Minseok. It’s good to hear your voice…”

“Lu Han. It’s been a while.”

“Yes.”

“Missed you.”

A soft laugh. “Me too. I heard you met my son. I’m… flying to Korea next week. We should catch up, all of us. You, me, Sehun. Jongin.”

“I’m… looking forward to that.”

And that too, is another start.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear, I will never write angst again. *sighs heavily* Thank you for reading <33


	5. Bonus: Interview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not quite a bonus scene, but... just something else to ponder over. :)

_Transcript: Radio broadcast of an official, exclusive interview by Byun Baekhyun, featuring once famed Chinese actor Lu Han upon his return to South Korea._

 

 **Byun Baek Hyun:** Good evening listeners, and thank you for tuning in this evening. It's a beautiful night, the sunset is spectacular, there's a lovely east wind, I had a spectacular spicy, dinner and- okay, but no one wants to talk about the weather or what I ate two hours ago - inspite of the fact that I may need to excuse myself at any point and find a restroom - but, who cares! We have a truly exceptional guest this evening! Yes, some of you may remember the name, the man, and that heartthrob from decades ago, star of the now classic film produced by Kim Kibum in his early days. Who am I talking about? Who am I about to introduce? Why yes, it's actually... Lu Han!! Lu Han, welcome to the show. We're so glad you agreed to stop by. Why don't you tell the listeners hello for us.

 **Lu Han:** Annyeonghaseyo. Uhh, it's great to be here. Thank you for inviting me.

 **BBH:** Aww, is that a blush? Ladies and gentlemen, he's blushing. That's so cute. Alright, I'll stop and let's just get right in to the interview, shall we?

 **LH:** Sounds good to me.

 **BBH:** Lu Han, it's been how many years since you've appeared in Korea, let alone in the public eye. What made you return to us this evening?

 **LH:** Well, you invited me, for one. Again, thank you. But also, I decided it was time.

 **BBH:** Time for what exactly? 

 **LH:** To meet the public, say a few words. Perhaps apologize to my long ago fans for disappearing from the entertainment sector.

 **BBH:** Ahh, that's right. Your disappearance, some people called it a scandal. To all our viewers who may not remember this - forgive me, Lu Han-ssi-

 **LH:** Oh, it's no problem

 **BBH:** You were in a minor car accident many many years ago.

 **LH:** I hit a light pole, yes.

 **BBH:** You hit a light pole, and were later taken to the hospital for minor wounds and injuries, and then you secretly returned to Beijing, officially leaving behind your career as an actor here in Korea. Did you ever take on another role, perhaps after you returned to China?

 **LH:** No, I didn't. I quietly retired. Now I work in the private sector. 

 **BBH:** Any chance you could tell us why?

 **LH:** I can try, yes. Where should I start... I was a bit shell-shocked after the accident. I think I may have panicked about what the media would think.

 **BBH:** You were driving home late at night, correct? But there was never any report about you being intoxicated, so why?

 **LH:** That was the case, yes. But even a minor accident like that was bound to cause rumors and speculations. After the success of _The Pearl_ , I never realized how much the sudden shift in fame would make in my life and upon those around me. Everything I did was being scrutinized. What kind of clothes I was wearing, what I ate for dinner, the people I spoke to.

 **BBH:** You mean papparazzis like me were following you around at all hours of the night?

 **LH:** I certainly wouldn't call you that, Baekhyun-ssi.

 **BBH:** You're so kind to pretend, thank you. I'm interrupting though. Please, continue.

 **LH:** Well, I decided to go home for a short while and recover, maybe get my head back on straight. But after I got home, everything felt different.

 **BBH:** Different, how?

 **LH:** My whole life, seen from a different perspective. I couldn't talk about it at the time, but I was under a lot of pressure from both my Korean-based agency and the sponsors back at home. They wanted to choose my roles for me, handpick my co-stars, dictate my entire career. 

 **BBH:** Your agency, or your sponsors?

 **LH:** Both, to some degree. It was suffocating though, the subtle guilt-trips especially. Reminders of how much people were doing for me and how much money they were spending on my career. It became clear to me that, even though getting the role in The Pearl was an accident that turned out extremely well, that the rest of my acting career would be less because _I had made it_ , and more because of the connections _they made for me_. 

 **BBH:** Did that strike you as dishonest? Was the value of your career not equal to that?

 **LH:** When I was in Korea, I didn't think so much about it. When I got home though, I thought about it too much. It seemed the price was too great.

 **BBH:** What was the price?

 **LH:** Being told what to do, where to appear, who I could see or not.

 **BBH:** Did it hinder your relationships too?

 **LH:** It did, very much so.

 **BBH:** So you left for love?

 **LH:** Oh, nothing so romantic as that. I suppose, by the time I got home and buried myself away, I was running away from everything. My job, the people I knew, my closest friends, everything.

 **BBH:** So you went home to nothing.

 **LH:** Exactly. I didn't even stay with my family. They had too many questions, too many suggestions about what I should do next. I decided to start over from scratch. I reconnected with just enough friends, secretly, so that I wouldn't feel so cut off, and then I found a new place to live, got a job, dyed my hair, dressed like a normal guy.

 **BBH:** Who were the friends you contacted?

 **LH:** Oh, some names you won't recognize by now. But I had an old school friend in Beijing, and he helped me out for a while.

 **BBH:** Anyone in Korea?

 **LH:**  Just one or two people.

 **BBH:** Tell us about your life now? You moved back to Seoul recently. Any chance you'll rejoin the acting world?

 **LH:** Oh, nothing like that. The world has moved on so fast. I don't even recognize the industry anymore. 

 **BBH:** Such a shame! So you're just here for normal guy work stuff?

 **LH:** Yes. I work as a translator now for a publishing agency, and I do some freelance events too. 

 **BBH** : How about your family? 

 **LH:** I have... a son now. He moved here for school and work, and that's partly why I came back too, to be close to him.

 **BBH:** What a devoted father! Does he take after you? Is he handsome? With your looks now, even at your age, you obviously have some great genes to pass down.

 **LH:** You're flattering me.

 **BBH:** Are you kidding? It's the truth! I hear you turned 50 a few weeks ago, and I'd never know it. You don't look a day older than 30.

 **LH:** And neither do you, Baekhyun.

 **BBH:** Hah, no need to butter me up. I know I'm old and wrinkly. I truly envy your genes though. I hope your son will have a good, long life in whatever field he enters.

 **LH:** Thank you, so do I.

 **BBH:** So what do you think about Seoul? Has it changed a lot?

 **LH:** Very much so! I can hardly recognize it. 

 **BBH:** How about people? Any old friends you've met up with recently?

 **LH:** Yes, actually. I had lunch with some of my old colleagues a few weeks ago. Zhang Yixing, the song writer.

 **BBH:** Of course! Yes, he's made quite the name for himself.

 **LH:** He has, and I'm very proud of him. We were very close friends before I left. And before I came back, he's been keeping an eye out on my son, like a good uncle. I was very relieved to have him here. 

 **BBH:** That's so nice. How about anyone else?

 **LH:** Other old friends? I met up with Kim Minseok as well. We spent a long time catching up.

 **BBH:** Kim Minseok! Your co-star from _The Pearl_ , wow, that was a long time ago.

 **LH:** It was. We had a lot to reminisce about. I was really glad to see him, and to see him doing well. I heard he's had a rough time in the media for the past few years, but I'm happy to see he's moved past so much of that and is still going strong. 

 **BBH:** Were you surprised to hear about his marriage to Ahn Hani, your other co-star from _The Pearl_ , or about his later relationship with Kim Jongin?

 **LH:** I wasn't, no. I was always very fond of Hani. She was a good friend on the set, and off it as well. So was Jongin. He and Minseok and I were very close in our younger days. I'm extremely happy for them now, and just a bit jealous.

 **BBH:** Jealous? Certainly not.

 **LH:** Oh, I am. I've had a couple relationships before, indeed because I have a son, but they never lasted very long. And most of those were after I gave up my career and being famous. To have what they have, even in the public eye, is admirable. I hope they remain in love for a very long time.

 **BBH:** Admirable. You're right. Well, listeners, I'm afraid we are coming to the end of our segment tonight. Please check out our website for more about this interview, including a blog post Lu Han has been kind enough to write for us about foreign actors working in the entertainment field, and the pressures they face. Lu Han, thank you for being with us.

 **LH:** Thank you for having me. I appreciate this very much. Good night to everyone, and stay safe.

 **BBH:** Yes, no driving into light poles tonight! Thank you for tuning in. This has been a Byun Baekhyun exclusive interview, and good night!

 

 

 

 

_~Off Air~_

 

 **BBH:** Well, that went well. Nothing too scandalous, I hope

 **LH:** Haha, no. Thank you for steering away from anything too controversial. 

 **BBH:** Your whole story is a bit controversial, but thank you for sharing it.

 **LH:** Part of it at least... 

 **BBH:** Ahh, well yes. Who needs the whole story anyway. Let them all just wonder, right?

 **LH:** Hopefully this won't cause too much of an issue now.

 **BBH:**  What issues? Haha. Well, you did just approve a gay relationship on air, but what have you got to lose from it, huh?

 **LH:** Lose? Nothing. I'm happy for them, and that's the truth. No point in dwelling so long in the past.

 **BBH:** But you still do that, don't you?

 **LH:** Huh?

 **BBH:** Oh, never mind. How's your son anyways?

 **LH:** He's good. He loves it here, and acting.

 **BBH:** I heard he's found a mentor. Doesn't that seem odd to you?

 **LH:** Odd? Maybe a little, all things considered. But, it's good for him and Minseok doesn't seem to mind.

 **BBH:** Some things seem to come full circle, don't they?

 **LH:** It's strange but... yes, they do.


End file.
